Most mornings I still wake with a longing for things to be different. The piercing ache still very present. Images of my red head running through my mind. Reconciling the reality. His life here, on this earth, finished. My life continuing. Striving to push against the tide that will threaten to pull me under. 2014 is coming to a close. A year that never held my son. A year we battled cancer. A year we walked on the wings of grace and mercy of friends and community. A year where the God of ... View Post
For 17 Months Our Hearts Have Been Held By; God, A Community and Family, We Are So Grateful
A silent, still night. The ache remains. Even after 17 months. 2 birthday's. 2 Christmases. And much in between. A loneliness along with the ache. I have lost my child. Our family so changed. And sometimes I feel lonely. I feel like I was part way through a really great book, one I have loved to read. And now the rest of the book is gone. Never to be finished. Year One, you are numb when you decorate the Christmas Tree. The Ornaments, they leave you gasping ... View Post
What I Missed This Christmas
I'm pretty sure I took no pictures. I don't have a camera and my cell phone has too many photos. I felt off the whole day. Most of the day I really wanted to be alone. Me; the extrovert. Alone. I watched endless episodes of "Gilmore Girls"; not stopping until I looked at my watch, horrified that it was past the time to go to bed. The house; a wreck. I hardly picked up a thing. I go to bed with an empty feeling. It's not until the morning, when I walk out into the living room and survey the ... View Post
His Stocking is Empty; But The Manger Isn’t (a repost from 12-25-13)
His stocking is empty. The stocking I made to match with Cedric's. A stocking I have filled for 17 precious years. Stockings that were 4 and then became 8 and this year would have been 9. But after 17 years. It is empty. It hangs limp, while all the others burst from the seams; awaiting their precious owners. But it's not about the stockings, or the tree. It's not about the presents; but His presence. And as I stepped outside this morning, the heavens declared their Majesty. The moon and the stars in all their bright, ... View Post
She’s Growing Up And I Am Powerless to Stop It
She flashes those baby blues. She is beautiful. She has grown inches over the past year. All the kids have. Death and cancer have that effect. Her tender heart still unsure. Her writing reflecting her struggle. She turns 12 today. Her last year before the teens. And I marvel at how she has grown. How this little baby born on one of the holiest of nights, has turned into a lovely young woman. Her smile lights up a room. She is the first to snuggle of all our kids. Her ... View Post
I Have A Son, Who Is Rejoicing With The King of Kings
Facebook posts declare it. Pictures show it. Families reunited. Students returning home from college for the holidays. Church is full of those boys and girls; home. It is Lessons and Carols, a beautiful service, celebrating the birth and coming Savior. There is excitement and hugs. Joy. I am numb. I sit and literally focus on breathing in and out. The hollowness overpowering. My boy is not coming home. While I am grateful for those happy, sweet reunions. I can't experience that. And I so long to. My boy ... View Post
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