She arrived amidst parades, fireworks and cookouts. There was fanfare and hurrying around as the birthing process took a turn for the worse. After the miracle of surgeons and modern technology there she was! Pink, tiny and holy. Our firecracker. Our last. Not that I knew it at the time. But somewhere inside, I knew. The last time. I held her longer; tried to take mental pictures to remember the moments. I didn't want to forget. I wanted to be intentional and slow time. She helped by being a child who cried. . . all the time. So, I held her. Held her longer and tried not ... View Post
Happy Birthday Ella!
Little did I know when I started this blog all that our lives would endure. That this white screen, for a time, would be my lifeline. Nine years ago, today, I published our first post. A short little clip about our 4th of July baby, Eleanor. She was turning 8. Our oldest son, Elijah, had just graduated from High School. Chelsea the oldest was 8 when Elijah was born. Clarissa was 8 when Eleanor was born. And now, Ella is 8 when our first grandchild would be born. Now Ella is turning 17, the same age her brother was when he met Jesus. His forever age. That first grandchild is ... View Post
Sometimes the Naming is Hard, 30 Days of Thankfulness, Day 28
Sometimes the Naming is hard. 7 years and 4 months without our son, sometimes makes the naming hard. It still catches me off guard. The grief. The ache. The longing. A reordering of how life should be. There's room where there should not be. And the Naming of that for which I am grateful is work. Practice. A soul work. Because when the words do not flow and the heart hurts the desire to focus inward often trumps all else. I sit with the ache for a few days. It's Thanksgiving and there is food to make and pies to bake. And my heart just longs for a glimpse of my red headed ... View Post
30 Days of Thankfulness, Day 11
30 Days of thankfulness Each day naming the gratitude. It sounds so trivial and repetitive. And it is. But it's so much more. It's slowing me down and helping me to be more present. I tend to rush through tasks. I struggle with focus. For this task, I want to be invested. 30 Days of Thankfulness. And so, I delight in seeking those moments of gratitude. Little, holy moments scattered throughout the day. Menial tasks, made holy by the naming of gratitude. Eyes open to the wonder and beauty. I stopped last night coming out of the grocery store. I was awed by the sheer beauty of ... View Post
What To Do With Another Birthday
Our Community mourns the loss of another young child. An accident. A bike. A heart ache so deep. We on the farm hurt as we pray for this family and long to ease their ache. Our days have turned to years. 7 years our boy has been gone. Today marks 8 birthdays we've celebrated without him. I never know how to handle this day. Some days I just want to run. Run from the searing pain; The memories and excitement of being a mom. The grace of the years raising children. Other days I want to dig in and remember. To hold tightly to the days and years we had together. I close my eyes and ... View Post
Don’t Underestimate A Visit
Don't ever underestimate a visit. Ever. He sat at my table. We drank tea. Conversation flowed easily. I laughed. He shared about the things he has been doing and where he is headed. Hopes and Dreams. A path. Unsure. Yet ready. All too soon it was time for him to go. I don't know when I'll see him again. You see, life has a way of taking our kids far from us. New adventures. The unknown. Excitement. This young man warmed my heart. I'd been having a few down days. Struggling. Grief. The loss of a child is hard. Achingly so. The holidays rear and the missing lurks in ... View Post
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