10 Years ago today we buried my son. That red headed, fiery temper, witty, handsome boy. My first born. The one who called me mama. Gone. In a moment. I didn't even know it. I don't like to think about that night. It's so painful. A part of me died that night too. I felt it. How can you lose a child? As I stood in front of those police officers. In my dining room, by the farmhouse table. The place we welcome visitors, I received this information. I remember trying to breathe. Conscience of the act. Slow down. Breathe all the air in you ... View Post
30 Days of Thankfulness, Day #6
We took the day off. We finished our chores. My farmer hooked up the outside part of the new boiler and we decided to go for a drive. The balmy 70° weather made us giddy-ok, that may be a stretch. But we intentionally chose to be together and leave the work. This is hard for my farmer. Yet he so enjoys these moments. So, we drove. We talked, a bit. Until I fell asleep. There is something about sunshine in a moving car that lulls me into slumber. It always has. Maybe because I struggle with carsickness, sleep was a default. Or maybe it's because the quiet, the sunshine, the ... View Post
What Are You Waiting For?
What are you waiting for? The question seems to hover. Ideas and thoughts run through my head. Yet, somehow, I am paralyzed to move forward. Excuses. Walls. Fear. And I wonder, What am I waiting for? I have learned how fragile life is. I know deep loss and unbearable ache. I know time is short. But how do you make the best of it? Do you search for the unknown and take all kinds of risks? Or do you slowly, safely make your way through? What are you waiting for? The question haunts me. Am I motivated by fear or faith? I have never been a risk taker and I don't like to ... View Post
30 Days of Thankfulness, Day #2
What keeps us practicing a habit? What motivates us? How do we establish a routine, a task, a habit and stick with it? Gratitude. A habit I have practiced for more than 10 years. Naming. Intentionally. Giving praise. Even in the hard. Even through the ache. Recording. Seeking and searching. Yet somehow, this year, I have found myself more unsettled and frustrated. . . Until I realized I have forsaken a habit. I have neglected the intentional practice of naming my praises and Thankfulness. It may sound trite or insignificant. Yet, there is great wisdom in this ... View Post
It’s Been Another Year
It's been another year. I can't believe it. 8 years. Where has the time gone? I saw a purple Nutcracker in the store the other day. I laughed. I would have bought it for you. You would have loved it. I can hear your laughter; even now. You made Christmas so magical mom. I've sat many nights in my parlor remembering our Christmas's on Putnam Street and then in your log cabin. Our tree resembles nothing of those tinsel, garland covered giants growing up. I loved coming downstairs and smelling the piney scent. I loved the stillness and glow of the colored lights. I will ... View Post
Sometimes the Naming is Hard, 30 Days of Thankfulness, Day 28
Sometimes the Naming is hard. 7 years and 4 months without our son, sometimes makes the naming hard. It still catches me off guard. The grief. The ache. The longing. A reordering of how life should be. There's room where there should not be. And the Naming of that for which I am grateful is work. Practice. A soul work. Because when the words do not flow and the heart hurts the desire to focus inward often trumps all else. I sit with the ache for a few days. It's Thanksgiving and there is food to make and pies to bake. And my heart just longs for a glimpse of my red headed ... View Post
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