10 Years Ago We Buried My Son

10 Years ago today we buried my son.

 

 

 

That red headed, fiery temper, witty, handsome boy.
My first born.

The one who called me mama.
Gone.
In a moment. 
I didn’t even know it.
I don’t like to think about that night.
It’s so painful. 

A part of me died that night too.
I felt it.
How can you lose a child?
As I stood in front of those police officers. 
In my dining room, by the farmhouse table.
The place we welcome visitors, I received this information.
I remember trying to breathe.
Conscience of the act.
Slow down.
Breathe all the air in you can. 
Then let it out.
Repeat.
The power was out so I needed to get into gear.
It was 2:30 a.m.
The cows needed to be milked.
So the generator needed to be started.
Slowly and methodically, I began to move.
Stepping into praise for the many gifts and resources we have.

Through these past 10 years I have searched and made it a practice to see the hand of God wherever I can. 
I have felt the presence of God so often.
And now, 10 years later, I stand grateful for being held.

I do not like this plan. 
At all.
But I don’t have to like the plan. 
I have to trust.
In this journey of trusting and resting, God meets me time and time again.
Our Youth Pastor gave a sermon shortly after Elijah met Jesus.
I was struggling with the missing so much.
He spoke of the Israelites and their journey to the Promised Land.

Do we want to go back to Egypt to a known land without God?
Or head into the unkown Land with a known God. 

This struck me.

Would I rather have Elijah back without God?

Or would I rather trust the future with a known God, without Elijah?

And oh, I want to be where God is.
I want to serve and share of His goodness.
We are a broken people desperately in need of a Savior.

He puts those broken pieces together weaving a story only He can write. 

10 years ago, I stood at my sons grave.

Wondering how in the world I could walk away.
And I took that step.
Surrounded by friend, family and community members I’ve kept taking steps. 

And by the grace of God, I will continue.