10 Years ago today we buried my son. That red headed, fiery temper, witty, handsome boy. My first born. The one who called me mama. Gone. In a moment. I didn't even know it. I don't like to think about that night. It's so painful. A part of me died that night too. I felt it. How can you lose a child? As I stood in front of those police officers. In my dining room, by the farmhouse table. The place we welcome visitors, I received this information. I remember trying to breathe. Conscience of the act. Slow down. Breathe all the air in you ... View Post
30 Days of Thankfulness, Day #6
We took the day off. We finished our chores. My farmer hooked up the outside part of the new boiler and we decided to go for a drive. The balmy 70° weather made us giddy-ok, that may be a stretch. But we intentionally chose to be together and leave the work. This is hard for my farmer. Yet he so enjoys these moments. So, we drove. We talked, a bit. Until I fell asleep. There is something about sunshine in a moving car that lulls me into slumber. It always has. Maybe because I struggle with carsickness, sleep was a default. Or maybe it's because the quiet, the sunshine, the ... View Post
Can We Express Gratitude When Our World is Falling Apart?
I have found that gratitude in all things takes practice. It is a purposeful mind set. Often a change. And we don't like change, do we? Words flow when the sun is shining and the bank account full. Gratitude. Words flow when life feels in balance and manageable. "I praise you Lord, for my job, for a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in." It's like soft butter being spread. Easy. Comforting. Sunshine and roses. Gratitude. How do the words flow when there's death and heartache? Do we reach for gratitude in these times? How do the words flow when you can't seem to make ends ... View Post
10 Birthdays Without You
When we celebrated his 17th birthday, we had no idea it was his last. Who thinks of those things as you enter your Senior year of High School? We were all busy living life and enjoying the moments. Until we weren't. Until on a beautiful summer's night, our son never made it home. And all the living and life stopped as I once knew it. All the things I thought I knew, changed, in a moment. Here we are 9 years later. Celebrating the 10th birthday without our son. 10 birthdays have come and gone. I dread the day when there will be more birthdays without him, than with him. This ... View Post
Happy Birthday Ella!
Little did I know when I started this blog all that our lives would endure. That this white screen, for a time, would be my lifeline. Nine years ago, today, I published our first post. A short little clip about our 4th of July baby, Eleanor. She was turning 8. Our oldest son, Elijah, had just graduated from High School. Chelsea the oldest was 8 when Elijah was born. Clarissa was 8 when Eleanor was born. And now, Ella is 8 when our first grandchild would be born. Now Ella is turning 17, the same age her brother was when he met Jesus. His forever age. That first grandchild is ... View Post
Breakfast
Each morning I rise before dawn. The holy quiet. I get my coffee and rest with the Ancient Word. Before breakfast. Before I break my fast. My soul devours the comforting words. Works that challenge, inspire and speak truth. My spirit is refreshed and hopefully ready for whatever the day may hold. Each day a pilgrimage. Coffee, the Ancient Word. All before the house begins to stir. Before the tyranny of the urgent pulls. I stand before the stove. What to make? Breakfast. Is it blazing hot? Or freezing cold? How many are here? I often have to stop and ... View Post
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