10 Years ago today we buried my son. That red headed, fiery temper, witty, handsome boy. My first born. The one who called me mama. Gone. In a moment. I didn't even know it. I don't like to think about that night. It's so painful. A part of me died that night too. I felt it. How can you lose a child? As I stood in front of those police officers. In my dining room, by the farmhouse table. The place we welcome visitors, I received this information. I remember trying to breathe. Conscience of the act. Slow down. Breathe all the air in you ... View Post
10 Birthdays Without You
When we celebrated his 17th birthday, we had no idea it was his last. Who thinks of those things as you enter your Senior year of High School? We were all busy living life and enjoying the moments. Until we weren't. Until on a beautiful summer's night, our son never made it home. And all the living and life stopped as I once knew it. All the things I thought I knew, changed, in a moment. Here we are 9 years later. Celebrating the 10th birthday without our son. 10 birthdays have come and gone. I dread the day when there will be more birthdays without him, than with him. This ... View Post
Choose This Day
Choose this day whom you will serve. Words from Joshua in the bible. Challenging the Israelites to choose. Choose who you will serve- The Gods you once knew, or the God of Heaven and Earth. Joshua and his house chose the Lord. Joshua 24:15 Each day we are faced with a multitude of choices. Split second and some prayed and agonized over. Choices that will affect us, change us. 9 years ago, July 27, 2013. I remember this day so well. So many choices made that day. A choice by the oldest son to go to a shooting match. My farmers split second choice to go watch him. The choice ... View Post
Once Again
It's his Birthday, once again. He'd be 26 today. 9 Birthdays in heaven. I can't seem to grasp the concept. This is the day he made me a mom. This is a day of great celebration. And so I enter the day apprehensively. I celebrate the 17 years I had. Once again. Good years. Fun years. Memories. Yet, I grieve at the loss. Once again. The ending. . . so soon. The loss of the future. And I vacillate. I still don't know how to do this. I am still unprepared at how I feel each year. That too is an unknown, until the day arrives. The loss of a child alters all that we ... View Post
It’s Time
There is much going on here. Wedding planning, haying, farming, a parlor and music room renovation. There is stuff everywhere- on the front porch, in the living room, and in the hallway. Change. The rooms have needed work for years. Neglected in the stream of life. But now. It's time. The rooms have been emptied and the wallpaper taken down. And in the corner have sat Elijah's drums. They have gathered dust and been pushed to the corner. They have become a catchall for random items. They have sat. Unused. Neglected. It's been 8 years since they have been played by their ... View Post
How Would She Have Known?
How would she have known- that mom at the store? How would she have known that her red headed boy pushing that cart reminded me of my own. Memories of grocery shopping trips flood my mind. The time I knocked over a whole display of Queso? What's up with those flimsy, cardboard displays anyway? How can you maneuver 5 kids, a cart and myself through the store, around those displays? I think of the time I almost left the cart and took the kids out. . . Oh, wait, I did do that. Left the whole cart and apologized to the cashier. I loaded those kids into the car and sat behind the steering ... View Post
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