I lean into that farmer of mine. The tears flow freely; the ache piercing. Its not fair I say. I don't like this plan. I want to cook for him, hear his voice, look into the deep blue eyes. I want to know how he is doing and dance at his wedding. I want to pick up his dirty clothes and fight with him. Fighting with him was like sparring. Engaging, mentally challenging and exhausting all at once. That dear farmer of mine wraps me tight in those long arms. He holds me while I release the pent up tears. Tears I have tried to not shed for months now. Feeling like I am a burden to ... View Post
What Should I Give Him? Day #28 of Thankfulness
The invitation came. A friend and classmate of Elijah's had bought a house. A house warming. Another example of life marching on. Such a good thing for this young man. What an accomplishment. How proud. I resist the urge to wallow. They ask for Christmas Ornaments to hang on his tree. I think back to that time years ago. My first apartment. My first tree. The realization that I had not one ornament. Oh such a sweet memory. Tying bows from ribbon onto the branches. No lights. Tin foil over cardboard for a star on the top. Mine. Here I am decades later. In need of a gift for a ... View Post
Day #25 of Thankfulness
I remember writing this post. The grief. The cold. I remember turning and catching the glimpse of the message in the leaves. I had almost missed it. Blinded by utter despair. Oh, that we do not despair. May we linger at the cross a little longer. Open our eyes wide to see. But may despair, never knock on our door. A repost from November 25, 2013 `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I Almost Missed It. . . . .Day #25 of Thankfulness I almost missed it. I almost walked away without ... View Post
Feeding My Soul Day #21 of Thankfulness
We gather together. Young and Old. To break bread. A Thanksgiving meal. Rows of tables. Rows of food. All brought together. The room hums with conversation. It is good to be together. My farmer, farm boy and Zach share their experience in Haiti. Gratitude to this body and others for their generosity. Enough funds raised to cover the entire trip. To God Be the Glory. We gather upstairs for a Hymn sing. Both the Organ and the piano. Songs chosen by the Congregants. So fun. Memories swirl of times with my Grandfather. Hymn Sings. His harmony. His faith. The sound of ... View Post
Really. It’s a Celebration.
It's my son's birthday today. He's 21. We had talked about this day. What he might like to do. It is was in the future, though. A future he never saw. What do you do when it's a celebration and all you want to do is utter gutteral screams? The ugly truth stares at you. Taunting. The memories. The never will be's. It's a birthday celebration. Life. But he's not here. All the years of cakes and parties. Careful planning. Presents. Dinners. Celebration. Life. This is his 4th Birthday in heaven. I've missed his 18th, 19th, 20th and now 21st birthdays. Because of ... View Post
It’s Time. . . Continued
He's not coming back. No matter how much I want him. 37 months today. How can that be? A glorious sunrise over the Mountain. Ushering another day. No matter how many nights I agonize over his death. He's not coming back. The youngest longs for her own space. Desires solitude. Much like her brother in so many ways. She moves some of her belongings to his room. She then asks me. This is not the first time. She has tried before to move into that space. The space painted and decorated for my first born son. A labor of love by his God father, Harold. My hopes and dreams. Now ... View Post
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