Really. It’s a Celebration.

It’s my son’s birthday today.
He’s 21.
We had talked about this day.
What he might like to do.
It is was in the future, though.
A future he never saw. 

What do you do when it’s a celebration and all you want to do is utter gutteral screams?
The ugly truth stares at you.

Taunting.
The memories.
The never will be’s.

It’s a birthday celebration.
Life. 
But he’s not here.
All the years of cakes and parties.

Careful planning.
Presents.
Dinners.
Celebration.
Life.

This is his 4th Birthday in heaven.
I’ve missed his 18th, 19th, 20th and now 21st birthdays.
Because of death. 
A moment that suddenly changed life forever.
Police at the door.
Unexpected visitors. 

A plan.
A course.
Unknown to me.

A hope. 

A celebration.
Life.

Yes, a celebration.
For my oldest farm boy it is a celebration of the grandest proportions.
And when I think,
of the glory he sees,
I can not fathom.

This life is freely given.
To all who believe.

This hope.

Hebrews 6:19
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

Has guided my every step.

I am only strong in the One who gave all; that I might live.

May you know that hope.
Stand strong in the power.

There’s so much I still had to say to you Elijah.
There’s still so much life that was yet to live.
I miss your red hair.
Your smell.
Your lopsided grin.
Those perfect teeth that had just had the braces removed.
I miss the chaos of finding your lost things.
Your drums and your beat boxing.
I miss your sarcasm and constant questioning.
I miss hearing you call me mom.
I miss the sound of your voice.
I long to hold those rough, large hands that were so much like your dads.
I think of the picture I never took of yours and daddy’s hands for a blog post I ended up reading at your funeral.
How little did I know.

I never knew those were the last days, conversations, hugs or smiles.

He left us with so much.
God gave us so many treasures to hold on to.

I long to celebrate with him today.
Oh how my heart aches for that.
But I can’t.
So, I will continue to step forward.
I will raise my hands high and I will bow my knee low to my Savior and LORD.

Elijah,
As you stand in His Presence may your day be a glorious one.

I am thankful I had 17 years with you.

I will choose celebration. 
I will give glory and praise and honor for the years I had with you. 

Elijah left us with his testimony.
I have shared it before.

I will share it again.
Each time I am amazed that only 50 days later he was doing the very thing he spoke of.

Happy 21st Birthday Elijah.