The girls leave and strangely, I find myself alone. This does not happen very often. I expect to feel overwhelmed and sad. Yet surprisingly I feel fine. This might be due to the fact that we have a financial appointment in 2 hours and I have not gathered any of the information required. So, I begin the sprint to find obscure pieces of paper that I know I have seen in the past few months. . .but not quite sure where. I soon realize that I have lost much over the past few months but not my ability to be easily distracted. I head to the timer. I usually set it ... View Post
He is There And I Am Not
Sometimes the echo of the quiet is so overwhelming How does your soul reconcile that your child is gone? Church is always so hard. Today we sang this song. I don't know when I will be able to worship without tears streaming down my face. We will dance on the streets that are Golden. . . My son is dancing. . .on streets that are Golden. He is there. And I am not. This is hard and not right. I am learning to live moment by moment. More than that; is too much. I have grace for the moment; that is all. As I sing these words today, someone rubs my ... View Post
No Time For Good Bye’s
The end of a life so sudden No time for goodbyes No warning The waves of shock continue The sharing of the burden lessen's the load But the night is dark and my heart cries out for what it can not have The seasons change The air pungent the earth readies for slumber of winter there is death all around each leaf and flower a reminder that all must come to an end Where does hope lie? Where does one go with the torment of grief The agony of loss The inability to change the course of events. The winter only last for a time here we do not stay. For to, means ... View Post
We Live On A Dairy Farm, And I Have No Milk For My Coffee
Once again, there is no milk for my coffee. This is a conundrum I run into quite often. The irony is, we own a dairy farm. . Elijah could consume a half gallon at a time. His brother is now not quite far behind. . . I would find myself standing in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, needing milk. . . He would complain; but Elijah would make a special trip down from the barn.. Secretly he knew he would benefit from the milk too. So this morning I find myself without milk. And I improvise with whipped cream. It's not the ... View Post
A Walk Through The Years
They ask if we can go out to lunch. I am not ready for that yet. They come to the house. These Teachers are not ones I have taught with. They are the teachers of my children. Relationships forged through years of conferences, class shows and a love of children. They come today to spend some time with this grieving mom. One brings pictures. They make my heart sing. The memories of time gone by They share of their adventures post teaching. It is good to spend time together. A friend of Elijah's sends a note. I am encouraged. I drive by the telephone pole, it ... View Post
Making Soup, Grief and Faithful God
I strive for normalcy. I cook the ground beef. I make soup. My farmer loves soup, and I don't make it enough. The smells permeate the air. The warmth eleveates the chill. Soup will be good today. I walk down cellar to put away some groceries. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his barn coat. I linger there. The familiar companion of grief awakes. I swallow hard. I reach in the pockets hoping to find something. Something to connect me to him. So many mornings in that coat. I groan, how can this be? I am so powerless to change it. Everything so final. Never again. Oh how I ... View Post
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