The email pops up. It's your birthday take $25 off your order. My mind racks. Whose birthday? I look. He rarely used his e-mail for anything. He used mine. My stomach lurches. The reminders painful. I try to remember to breathe. I can't hold my breath each time; each time there is a reminder. Death is permanent. What's on the other side is eternal. But here, this side of eternity; it's permanent. And it will tear you apart. The missing reaches into places you never knew existed. It can twist and turn until ... View Post
As Time Passes
It's been weeks since I've gone into his room. A hiatus from the reminders. Dust collects as time passes. Things undisturbed. Much the same way since the night he was called home. His room still smells like him. I close my eyes to remember. I miss him so. How does a life continue when your child, your hope and future are torn from you? How do the steps move with the ebb and flow when there is a deep chasm in your aching soul. Elijah was God's child. He was never mine to keep. Children are a gift from the ... View Post
Be Anxious For Nothing
Be anxious for nothing. Only when I have prayed hard? No need to be anxious. When I have saved enough money in my retirement? No need to be anxious. When I have anticipated every problem and am assured that I have done every thing to thwart an issue. Then I do not need to be anxious. When do we not be anxious? What about the time when you haven't prayed? That item left off the list. When something isn't planned all the way through. Is that the time to be anxious? Be anxious for nothing. My son walks out the door. He kisses me. He says he ... View Post
Backyard Dining Notched Up A Bit
We dined Alfresco. The girls, always in character, notched their table up a bit. Lights, candles; a special space. Dressed to the nines. They poured water from old wine and sparkling cider bottles. Hospitality. Fun. Memories. Moments when little girls were not thinking of grief or cancer. Psalm 118:4 The LORD has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad. Find just a moment today. A moment to give thanks. To be grateful. Even in the storm. God will meet you there. ... View Post
A Love That Transcends Any Hollywood Attempt
Another year has passed. It would have been my parents 48th Anniversary. I call my dad. I don't say anything about the day. I just want to hear his voice. The voice that once steadied me now needs my assurance. He misses me and wonders when I can come visit. I wonder too. It seems the edge I once had has diminished. The trip MA done in a day or several times a month. The thought, now, fills me with dread. My thoughts drift back to last year and since this is a month of remembering. I am re-posting last years thoughts. I am still writing reports. Still working on book work. The beat ... View Post
Show Me How What I Wanted Isn’t Best For Me
It was Early Sunday Morning his Spirit left his earthly body. In the wee hours. While the night was still dark. While I slept. My boy left this earth. The shock of those days have lessened. They still fill me with a sickening feeling when I think of them. There is much I still do not know about that time. I can't. It was Sunday morning when the heaven's declared God's majesty. Oh how our hearts ache. We long for this to be a bad dream. I want something I can never have. Each morning I wrestle with the knowledge that Elijah will never ... View Post
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