I don't want to leave. I want curl up by the fire with my coffee and read. I want to hold that sweet Lilah and listen to her coo. I want to bake or do anything than deal with cancer and living without our son. I pack the bag to have ready. Snacks, water. The bag a dear friends thought about to meet our needs. It will be a long day. Radiation and chemo. . .every Friday. The kids are coming. They will see the radiation and infusion areas. I prepare for their questions and the impending side effects. The nurses assure us, this will be the week. He is far enough in. I have ... View Post
Grace That Visits Your Door, When Your Heart Is Breaking On Christmas Day
I don't want to say we made it through the day. But we did. How do you celebrate Christmas with your 17 year old son buried deep beneath the winter snow? How do you breathe in and out missing a part of you? How do you look at stockings and open presents; when your heart is shattered into a millions fragments. My boy is gone. And I miss him so much. But he has gone where Angels trod. The same Angels that proclaimed the birth of the Most High, The same Angels that declared that He is Risen. His work finished, here on this ... View Post
His Stocking is Empty, But the Manger Isn’t; Finding Christmas Joy
His stocking is empty. The stocking I made to match with our farm boy. A stocking I have filled for 17 precious years. Stockings that were 4 and then became 8 and this year would have been 9. But after 17 years. It is empty. It hangs limp, while all the others burst from the seams; awaiting their precious owners. But it's not about the stockings, or the tree. It's not about the presents; but His presence. And as I stepped outside this morning, the heavens declared their Majesty. The moon and the stars in all their bright, glory rang out the song that, Jesus is ... View Post
A Birthday On The Holiest Of Nights
It was such a clear, cold night. The stars shone brightly. I couldn't sleep. Moon beams streamed through the window. I wondered what Mary, the mother of our Savior, thought about. How did she feel? Did her feet swell on the way to Bethlehem. How did she make that journey, so with child? What was she thinking? I pondered these things as I was heavy with child; as I mourned the loss of my Mother in Law. I pondered these things during Advent as my time grew near. I wondered. On the night before the celebration of the birth of the Savior ... View Post
Are You Overwhelmed By All The Christmas To Do’s? Why Don’t You Lay It All Down. . .Just For A Moment?
I sit on his bed. It's been 20 weeks since God called Elijah's name. I breathe in, hoping for a change in circumstances. Hoping to catch a scent. But there's nothing. He is not here and what remains is fading. It's been 20 weeks since I have seen his face or touched the child I bore down to bring life. Longer than he would have been gone to boot camp; and it's only the beginning of the "longer thans". Each time the girls remember something about him. I ask them to tell me more. Describe to me in detail what they saw or were feeling. I don't ... View Post
What Cancer Cannot Do and What God Has Already Done; The Angels Brought Tidings Of Great Joy
He had just sat down to rest. Lately this rarely happens. There are so many fires to put out that resting has not been a luxury. After two days of radiation and one day of chemo, my farmer was sitting down. Cedric brings in a package. There are always parts and supplies being delivered. Yet, this was from our long time friends Donna and Harold. Elijah's God parents. Donna had sent a note early on when Gary was diagnosed and found he needed chemo and radiation. She thought he might like a quilt. A quilt to wrap in ... View Post
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