Gone is the sunshine streaming through my window at 4:30 am beckoning me to the day. Darkness now permeates the waking hour. It is a welcome respite in many ways. I hunker down for a few extra minutes relishing the warmth under the covers. My farmer has been long gone to the barn. Rising early to milk the cows. I could stay here longer; but I don't. My feet hit the cold floor and I make my way to the kitchen. Hot coffee awaits; grateful for my farmer. I head to the Ancient Word. Moments of quiet and restoration. I begin to prepare for the day. These quiet moments nourish my ... View Post
Something Changed In Me -From Memorial Day to Labor Day
From Memorial Day to Labor Day - something changed in me. An usually hot summer and busy schedule left little time for relaxation. Extended time at the River, was rare. Racing and driving kids to activities was prevalent. But something changed in me. God asked me to take some steps out of the comfort zone I was striving to maintain. Memorial Day found me traveling to Fort Leonard Wood, MO to visit our Marine. He had an extended leave and wanted to know if I would visit. I have rarely traveled and only once alone. The guilt of leaving my family, anxiety of traveling alone sent me into ... View Post
Having Eyes to See
5 years, And now. 6 birthdays. He would be 23 this year. I still don't know what to do on the day. I still don't know how to live this life and reconcile the death of my child. So, I write. Streams of consciousness. A desire to wrestle through the ache and the pain. Elijah Todd Davis. September 2, 1995- July 28, 2013 You made me a mom. I marveled at your red hair. At 9.1 oz, 22 inches you were more baby, than new born. After the loss of our first baby, you were a healing balm. My arms were full. My heart grateful. I remember those first days. The change of seasons. Crisp ... View Post
It’s So Dry
It's so dry. It rained last night. . . finally. . . and it's still so dry. Spots that are crunchy when you walk. Brown, where there should be green. Dry river banks where there should be water. And I can feel the fear trying to creep in. We're known as the "Green Mountain" State. Yet, in some areas, the green is hard to see. Today, as I walk this farm I am discouraged. Being without a barn all last winter caused us many difficult issues with the cows. Teat ends that froze, now oozing mastitis. Volatile Somatic Cell Counts, PI Counts. . . Heifers that are smaller than ... View Post
Expect the Unexpected.
Expect the Unexpected. That moment when air seems to be lacking. Breathing is a chore. Hot, molten tears press hard. Chaos great. Those moments. The unexpected. I try to reach out. I cry out to God. How did we get here? How? I try to focus on a breath. My chest heavy with grief, too much going on. I don't know how to sort it all out. Sometimes there seems to be no right answer. My heart is weighed down with the things of this earth. We can let life just pile on the pressure if we're not careful. The unexpected. Deadlines, kids, marriage, bills, haying, chores, heat; ... View Post
This Is The Only Thing I Know To Do
There are teens in the house. Some sitting at the table. Some have gathered in the music room and rich harmonies flow. The house seems alive. The presence of God full in this place. My heart count down the days. Moment by moment. I try to push it aside. I try to distract myself. But it' there. It looms. The 5th Anniversary of Elijah's home going. I still can't believe it. I often still feel like it's a dream. My boy. My red headed, just graduated, complex, fiery tempered, blue eyed first born. He's gone. Torn from me without warning. And here I am. Still counting ... View Post
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