It seems so unreal. Each morning I wake through a fog. Hoping it isn't so. Hoping the circumstances have changed and the journey is different. But it is not. Commencement an act, instance, or time of commencing. A Beginning. This was the beginning of a new journey for Elijah. He and his classmates have dreams. They are a dedicated and wonderful group. Musical, smart, ambitious, eloquent speakers. They are the future; the next generation. But God allowed the unthinkable, the unimaginable to happen. Now we are a part of a new ... View Post
Doing the Next Thing
Do the next thing. That is what everyone says to do. But right now I don't know what that next thing is. People ask what we need. I don't know what that need is. My mind swirls with family memories. Memories of the last hours of being with Elijah. Wishing he hadn't gone out. Wishing God had intervened. . .and turned the wheel back on the road. My heart and soul hurt. My eyes blink tears constantly. I went for a walk yesterday. I went to the barn. I wanted to be with Gary. We fell in love at the barn. Hours of talking and being ... View Post
Deep Agony
To lose a child is not right. At the funeral Glenn shouted, "It's Not Fair" Today I echo that same feeling. It is not fair. I want my boy back. I want all my babies in the nest. "The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning, It's time to sing your song again." -Matt Redman I don't know the tune to this new song. It's rhythm, unfamiliar. I long to turn back time. I yearn for one more minute; For something to be different. But it is not. And the beat of time marches on. And with that time: I will lift up my eyes to the ... View Post
Doing the Hard Thing
I didn't have to go. And the first time I didn't. But this time was different. There was a need to go. I wanted to see the car. There were things in it that I wanted to collect. But mostly I just wanted to see . . . to know. What exactly I was looking for, I do not know? Some evidence of Elijah. Something someone had missed. Some clue as to how he had spent his final moments on this earth. And once again, I found myself wrapped in peace. And I know it is the power of all those praying. This morning is harder. The ache ... View Post
Sweet Peace
Sweet Peace God has given me a gift in the midst of all this tragedy. Sleep. Each night I have been able to sleep. This is a gift and I know it. I am grateful for it. But it is the morning that is agony. It seems so unreal. I want to hear his voice. I want to hear his steps on the porch after chores, knowing he is waiting for something to eat! I want to make batches and batches of cookies for him. I want to feel his hug. Rub the stubble of his hair. And hold his big hands. I want to yell at him for leaving his clothes ... View Post
The Morning After
It's the morning after. . . The quiet echos. I walk out to see the sunrise. I went barefoot because I needed to feel something. The coolness of the grass on my feet was relief. Here is where everything I have ever known has forever been altered. I will not set 7 plates at the table. . . But I will turn and know that my redeemer lives. And I will lift my hands to the songs of praise that are etched in my heart of years of singing. And will I trust each step of the way. Each moment. And we know we are ... View Post
