Do you wonder sometimes what it all means? I sometimes wonder. What are we doing here? What is my purpose. All this pain and uncertainty. What do I do with it? What is the purpose for each of these weary steps. Yet, I am amazed at the lessons learned and the things for which I am thankful. My farmer's side effects have been minimal. It is early still and someone reminded us that it is all cumulative. Still, it has been minimal. Today. We are half way through the treatments. Maybe not half way through the side effects, but half ... View Post
Are You Hurting? He Longs To Hold You.
Today is Day #14 of Radiation. He is half way through Chemo. The side effects have been minimal. . .up until now. This week they have begun to wield their wrath. It began with a metallic taste and now has moved to no taste or having a foul taste. This is a man who rarely, if at all, complains. Ok, rarely, if at all speaks. But he rarely complains. He pushes on no matter what. He is driven; in work, faith, commitment. There is a danger in this. Success of treatments needs a healthy body. He needs to eat and drink. Today I will begin trying ... View Post
There Are Some Things That Need To Be Left Undone
I still have a few of them. Most, I have given away. I found them that morning. The morning he never came home. The morning the police met me at the door to tell me my son had been killed. That he was gone. There they were on the breakfast bar. I had hounded him day after day to write them. He would sit and write one or two while I cooked dinner or cleaned the kitchen. We would talk. It was nice. Little did I know those moments would become so precious, so dear. He didn't address them or put them in envelopes. He just wrote them and left them in ... View Post
A Sweet Reunion, Saying Good Bye To Grandma Joan
I didn't know her well. Only through birthday parties, drop off or pick ups during custody exchanges. I only knew her through visiting at the grocery store or the Thrift shop. I knew her smile and her love for Chelsea and her infatuation with Christiana; the mini Chelsea. I knew her caring nature in recognizing Elijah's desire to enter the military and the beautiful card and gift she sent for his graduation. One I had to take care of after he had been called home. I know of her intent to hold my hand when my son was called home so suddenly. She too, no stranger to the loss of a child. ... View Post
The Only Way To Live When All Else Is Falling Apart Around You
Our first calf of the New Year is born on the coldest day. I don't understand the ways of this world. I never will. The calf survived, thanks to the quick thinking of our helpers. New life. Fresh starts. I have a cousin that is mourning the loss of her sweet unborn baby. Oh how my heart resonates. I too have lost what I did not know and have lost the prayed for child after that loss. New life. It's what God gives us when we surrender to him. When we lay it all down because we can't do it alone. It ... View Post
Finding Joy And Grace For This Very Moment
Before I even open my eyes, I feel it. I have a headache and the missing is there. Some days it is not so apparent. But today it will be my constant companion. The deep longing. I want to wriggle out of this skin. I want all that has been lost to be restored. But it can't. The weight of the loss and what the future will hold threatens to pull me down. The hot burning has returned. I make coffee and look at the piles of laundry and book work still needing attention. The floors that need to be mopped, the ... View Post
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