I am restless. The pain searing today. The missing overpowering. The unknown of cancer lingering. Will the treatments work? How much more will they affect my farmers body? The future unknown and looming before me. My soul longs for relief. Relief from the constant pain, the constant longing for my son. Longing for family time all together. That which will never be. Sometimes I think my heart will shatter into a million pieces. Other times, I think it already has. This is all too much to bear. The weight is heavy and His burden ... View Post
How Climbing That Hill Is Always Better With Others
I went for a walk yesterday. It started out with my walking buddy. But God was writing my "To Do" list. So we gained two other people. It was glorious to be outside. The sun was shining, the air crisp; yet invigorating. (Not the, "I want to run back in the house feeling") I haven't walked since the fall. It's been too cold and icy. And dark. My walking partner and I are not hardy like that. We are fair weather walkers. Enough said in a state where the sun rarely shines. And it's dark. But we walk today. We get to the bottom of the hill and I am done. I get ready to ... View Post
I Don’t Have A Typical To Do List
This day. It is new. There is laundry and dirt. There is an abundance of clutter, paper work and dishes. There is financial stress, farming chores and broken equipment. There is still cancer and the searing pain of the loss of a child. Today marks 3 years for another family and the loss of their son. A Classmate of Elijah's. A name read at Graduation. The emotion so overwhelming we clapped and cried, remembering. For a long time. A life cut short by his own hand. I remember the feeling. . . how can you lose a child? How ... View Post
What Singing At The Top Of Your Lungs Can Do. . .My Girls Told Me So
He slept on the couch because the coughing is so bad. Yet he never complains. The radiation causing side effects that have no remedy. He is weak and so tired. Yet not once has he slept in. Not once has he been able to. The son the same way. He too rising each morning; never complaining. I struggle. There were plans set in place so he could rest. But it hasn't worked out that way. When things continue to spiral out of your control it makes you hold tighter; grasp with all your might. Clench everything that you can. As if ... View Post
Mopping Away The Grit And The Grime
I finger the pages. The pages of the yearbook he'll never see. The 2013 yearbook that holds the memory of the last of his walk on this earth. Graduation and the hope of a future. I waited to look at it. I couldn't bring myself to walk into the pain; the endless sea of grief. But I look and I laugh and I remember. He was so loved. Such a humble young man; so missed. I hear stories from those around us of interactions with Elijah and my heart soars. Isn't that what every mama wants to hear? Stories of your boy and the beauty he left behind. He wasn't perfect. ... View Post
This Is War
They know I am on to them. As bold as brass they run across the floor. With no care that I am there. Now, with traps set in strategic places they refuse to venture forth. We can not co exist. I draw the line. They are small and furry. They leave messes everywhere. They are almost like my children in some ways. But my children are allowed to stay. They are not. I am sure they would argue they have been here longer. It bears no weight. Even if some think they are cute and Walt has personified the image. I wait to hear a snap. I check to see if there ... View Post
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