I just want to shut it all out.  It's possible to just pretend He is at boot camp.  13 weeks of limited, to no contact. It's what was going to happen.  I wasn't going to be cooking him dinner this week.  His room would be empty.  If only. But life isn't built on if only's. My life, since I was a child, has been built on faith. My trust has been in the LORD. And I will not stumble.  Even when my world threatens to close in. I will press on.  We had to do some hard things today.  Taking care of business you might say.  I wanted to ... View Post

The ache starts at the back of my throat,  then travels to my stomach. My eyes fill with tears. They spill over. I can not stop them. How can you be gone. . . Each day a memory. Each day a reminder of what we have lost; what a mother feels when her child is taken from her. But I am not alone. Countless other mama's have had their children taken far too soon.  And we become strong.  Our lives are never the same.  I cry out to the God of the heavens. He hears my cry.  He knows my pain.  And while I long for my son to return to me. . . that is ... View Post

One hard day has been pressed through. . . We shed hot molten tears; unlike the ones we shed on the day he was born.  Such a contrast. It is twisted and hard to grasp. Friends joined us and we ate. A neighbor made a cake. We had Ben and Jerry's and Oreo's; just like we do every year. We sat out by the fire and sang Hymns and Praise songs. I treasured the moment. Mama's shouldn't have to bury their babies.  Mama's shouldn't have to have their lives turned inside out. . . Yet what guarantee is there in this life?  God never told us it would be perfect. He said ... View Post

Today would be my son's 18th birthday. How does one celebrate a milestone when their son resides with the King of Glory? I can't wrap my arms around this idea.  Today he would have left for boot camp. Crystal and many others leave today to start new chapters.  How do we move on? What does that look like? Dear Elijah, Today is your 18th birthday. We won't get to celebrate with you. We won't sing Happy Birthday. There are no presents. I won't make you an ice cream cake or a cheesecake that you loved so much.  Instead there is a gaping hole, and we are left behind. I still ... View Post

It's been 5 Sundays without you. There is not a moment that passes that I do not think of you or long to see you again. Yet time has continued on. School has begun.  Life seems to have resumed it's normal course. Yet there is nothing that feels normal for me.  There are moments when I literally fall to my knees and cry out to God. I cling to these verses: Proverbs 3:5 and 6  "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, lean NOT on your own understanding. . . Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed,  for I am your God. I will strengthen ... View Post

Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, I am not there yet.  But it is a promise.  One that I believe with my whole heart. I want to see the beauty in the ashes.  Today I saw the hand of God in beautiful ways.  If you are not careful you are sure to miss the quiet ways God ministers. I saw a student walking yesterday with his head down. It looked so much like Elijah. . .it took my breath away. . .How I long for my boy.  I had a planned visit from a friend from my youth. The years ... View Post