As I wake, the reminder of what we have lost washes over me. . . My thoughts shift to God in Heaven.  I continue to ask why. . . but I ask to not get stuck there.  I ask for peace and strength to go throughout this day; for opportunities to do His will. And to let this day not be about me but about Him.   4 years ago yesterday, on a sunny, chilly afternoon.  3 of our children entered the waters of baptism in the River.  The River a symbol of the cleansing waters. . . They emerged changed. Aligned with the One who gave His Life as a ransom for ... View Post

There is no warning.  There is nothing that prepares you for the waves that come. The waves of ache and pain.  It's beautiful out.  I long to feel the joy that such a day would bring.  The warmth and gentle breeze. Clothes drying; billowing on the line.  A perfect day to bake and embrace this gorgeous creation in which God has us placed. I drive to the cemetery. I lay down on the sod that holds our son. I look to the heavens.  The sky that is so blue today, it should bring me peace.  Instead my grief overwhelms me. . . Oh God ... View Post

Slowly I start to write thank you notes.  How do you begin to thank a community for this? and this? Words seem hard to come by. There is a Memorial Fund, that should help students with a small piece of tuition, for years to come. There's a family account that has allowed us to; purchase a 2008 vehicle, pay down some overdue expenses do to the excessive flooding and lack of feed. There are meals, cards, visits on the front and back porches. All needing to be thanked. What does God require of us? How do we continue this journey on earth? I struggle to know. There seems to be ... View Post

I rise while it is still dark. Coffee is made. We are having pancakes for breakfast. I have turned the fire on to take off the chill.  Though it is much warmer than the previous nights.  It was hard to get up this morning. I prayed for a long time, seeking strength for what lies before me today.  I prayed for Gary.  These hours are so long.  I prayed for the yield on this hay crop to be wildly abundant. We are so short on feed.  This picture was taken the last day Elijah and I worked together. The day he told his dad, "Hey dad, you know the ... View Post

A package came in the mail today.  It was from my cousin Seth.  I haven't seen Seth in years.  But social media reconnected us.  Our Mothers were the closest of friends. Both now gone the way of the earth, through the ravages of cancer.  Reunited where they shall chat without ceasing for all of eternity.  Seth is in the Navy.  He is stationed in South Carolina;  where Elijah would attend boot Camp at Parris Island. When Elijah enlisted in the Marines, I contacted Seth.  I had a list of concerns.  He encouraged me.  He spoke ... View Post

I lay on his bed. The smell of him still there. How long? How long until it evaporates, until I can't distinguish him. The sobs come. Here I am free to pour out all the tears. Why Elijah? Oh how many tears I have shed these 7 weeks. How I long to make sense of this loss. How I yearn to turn back time. I have to be so careful not to be drawn into the abyss of the what if's. I fight with all I have to stay in the "what I know's". Do you ever feel that? Someone sent me this verse. It is one that brings such comfort.  Oh how I love God's word. How wonderful it is to hide it in our ... View Post