Before I had even finished writing my last post, I received word that Cheslea's Grandmother had died on New Year's Eve. She was at a party. Just fine. And had a heart attack; Just like that. In a year when we have experienced so much heart ache. This feels like too much. What do you do when you feel like at every corner you're knocked down? When life is relentless in it's burden. How do you live when all is heavy and weighted down? There is no option for surrender. The only option is to press on. Press on towards that goal. Take a moment to ... View Post
I Am Not Sure I Want A Clean Slate
The new year came. 2014 came with a tick of a moment. A beat. Much like the moment; the beat, that stopped the night our son was killed. 2014 a new beginning, a clean slate; one I don't want so clean. I don't want to chose a word, or make resolutions. ... View Post
Why I Don’t Want To Say Good Bye. . .Again
I don't want to say goodbye to 2013; at all. One might think, why? I should be ready to kiss 2013 Good Bye forever. But I can't. 2013 holds my son. It holds Winter Ball in January. A cruise in February. Mother's Day and every other day when Elijah walked this earth. When he was alive and his future full before him. Where his hopes and dreams were held tightly in the future that was to his. It held boot camp and life. 2013 holds Lacrosse, Memorial Day, Prom and ... View Post
Sometimes I Just Can’t Pray
Sometimes I can't pray. There are no words. I try. The enormity of all that has happened and is happening stifles almost all my being; and prayer can not happen. I know others are praying. I can feel it; There is a sweet peace that permeates. Being still before God is hard to do when your son lies deep beneath the sod of this earth. When you wait for toxic cocktails and radiation to work their miracle on your husband. Grief transcends words and emotions. And I sit to pray and I can't. I walk to pray, and I can't. Words don't come. Usually the ... View Post
Sometimes I Just Want The World To Stop
5 months. Half the time I carried you. Long enough for your niece to be born, seasons to change, your father to have cancer and our hearts to break. Each step forward feels like an eternity; a conscious effort; an act of the will to live without a piece of you. The desire for the world to stop; because something is so dreadfully not right. 5 months. Almost half a year. It doesn't seem possible. Sometimes in this life we are called to hard steps. The journey rough and unforgiving. Finding sure footing is imperative. As we walk this ... View Post
Radiation And The Bat Cave Wall
They put on the mask and clip it to the table. He lies there so still. I touch his leg and pray. Red beams emit from the wall as they align the marks. The radiation is very specific. I swallow as they get everything prepared. We leave the room and a door closes; almost like the bat cave wall. Thick; protecting us all. But what about him? We are able to see him on the monitor. And I choke back the sobs that threaten to come. How can this be? Why do parents have to watch their kids endure this? Why do I have endure this? I ... View Post
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