He rings the bell. The bell rung to celebrate the end of chemo. I try to take a video. My hands shake. We are done with chemo. Unexpectedly. We thought we had one more week. They had miscalculated. Last week was the last treatment. The toxic cocktails have ceased. We are on to the next steps. Life after cancer, and life without our son. I fight back the tears that threaten to spill. They let me ring the bell. I ring it loud. I ring if for my mom, for my husband; for my son that I so desperately miss. I ring it for ... View Post
Each Milestone I Need To Turn To Praise
I didn't take any pictures. It just didn't seem right. Something was lacking and I could feel it. But I wasn't going to give in. For 18 years we have gone to the farm show. As a family. Every year we headed to breakfast at the "Wayside Diner". Sometimes we'd have a late lunch but usually it was breakfast. The kids missed school and we would make a day of it. We pushed strollers; heavy with jackets and snacks. Some years we had a stroller, a back pack and a sling. It was tradition and a respite in the middle of ... View Post
A Challenge To Change
There are 3 days left. We meet with the Radiation Oncologist. I ask her what are the next steps. She nods that doctor nod. Which means; really, we don't know. She tells us we need to wait because the chemo and the radiation will continue it's work. We wait. Then in a few weeks there will be some scans. But really not until 3 to 5 years can we say that it's cured. She then tells us the next 2 weeks after treatments have stopped may be the most difficult. I stare at her with a blank look and think; how? These treatments are ... View Post
Do You Long For The Struggle To End?
When I think I can't take it anymore. I breathe deep. There are 4 more days. We can do this. We can make it. My house is out of control. Insurances are waiting for forms, tax preparations loom. I couldn't sleep last night. The first time in 6 months. I got up to pray and read those Ancient Words. I was reminded how the Israelite's were taken from their land. They were banished; sent into an exile they had been warned about. Yet they were told to prosper where they were placed. Even though they weren't in their homeland; ... View Post
A 6 month Walk No One Wants To Take
I stand still in the kitchen. I have cried out to God most of the day. I am tired of cancer. I am tired of missing my son. My soul is unsettled and I long for peace. So I stand. In the kitchen that I hardly use any more. Meals continue to come. I have little to offer. My soul weary from the battle. So I stand. It is quiet. I breathe deep. I sense the presence of God. The peace that passes all understanding surrounds me. For a moment the cancer is gone, the sting of death is appeased. I stand for a moment ... View Post
It Is What Is Unseen, That Makes You Stronger
It is still dark. The rhythm of the day beginning. The sound of the washer and dryer. The beat of the pressing. Dishes, book work, school. Chores. Cold. The milk pump has been running for hours. Soon to have completed it's cycle. The feeding begun. Calves fed. My farmer begins the last full week of radiation. The routine to change; again. This is a change we will embrace. One we will anticipate. But yet, there is still the waiting. The waiting for the toxic cocktails and radiation to complete their work. Long after the ... View Post
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