The fire. Coffee. The Quiet. The morning greets me well. I breathe deep the peace in these moments. For soon the farmhouse will come alive. Breakfast for 7. Preparations for Thanksgiving. Much, much to be done. This is the first Thanksgiving with out my dad. In 2013 I spent my first Thanksgiving without my mom and my son. Though the enemy of our souls would love to discourage and bring us down during a time of gratitude; we will stand; on the promises given by the Giver of Life. I have cherished memories of Thanksgiving at our Grandparents. A table stretched the length of the ... View Post
Are You Really Ready?
They're building at the accident site. Someone has put a Quilt Show sign right in front of the pole. I am sure they have no idea that the heart of a 17 year old ceased to beat in that space. That the ground holds his blood. But the sacredness of that space is temporal. His spirit was gathered in a cloud and whisked to the holy of holy's. Reigning now with the King of all Kings. A life time is being lived while part of me still remains; there. She looks me in the eyes. This wise teenager. So different from the others. Sensitive. Stylish. Hard working. She leans over and says ... View Post
Walking Through- It Has to be Done
It never goes away you know. The ache. The missing. It's always there. Always. A piece of you. Your child. Gone. It never leaves me. Ever. I think about him all the time. I wonder what he'd be doing. How he would react to something. Yes. Life is ebbing forward. Time. All held in the palm of the hand of the One who called that time into space. We lost our nephew a year ago today. The heart wrenching loss. My farmer's youngest sister. Now a part of the exclusive club no one wants to join. A year since his kids have been wrapped in his loving embrace. Sometimes I can't ... View Post
Do You Really Trust He Will?
I trust God. Trusting God has been part of my life as along as I remember. Yielding. Each moment. Routine. Grace. Now. It's the trusting that he will, that is hard. I know he can. But will he? This is a struggle. This is how my life is impacted by the loss of a son. I have new family dynamics. Who is the Oldest? The second born? The Youngest boy is now the Oldest boy; and is so messed up and painful and hard. It's messy and dirty and loud and heart wrenching. I can't sort it out or make it make sense. And each time I lean in to trust there's a piece of me that says he ... View Post
Really. It’s a Celebration.
It's my son's birthday today. He's 21. We had talked about this day. What he might like to do. It is was in the future, though. A future he never saw. What do you do when it's a celebration and all you want to do is utter gutteral screams? The ugly truth stares at you. Taunting. The memories. The never will be's. It's a birthday celebration. Life. But he's not here. All the years of cakes and parties. Careful planning. Presents. Dinners. Celebration. Life. This is his 4th Birthday in heaven. I've missed his 18th, 19th, 20th and now 21st birthdays. Because of ... View Post
It’s Time. . . Continued
He's not coming back. No matter how much I want him. 37 months today. How can that be? A glorious sunrise over the Mountain. Ushering another day. No matter how many nights I agonize over his death. He's not coming back. The youngest longs for her own space. Desires solitude. Much like her brother in so many ways. She moves some of her belongings to his room. She then asks me. This is not the first time. She has tried before to move into that space. The space painted and decorated for my first born son. A labor of love by his God father, Harold. My hopes and dreams. Now ... View Post
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