It's my son's birthday today. He's 21. We had talked about this day. What he might like to do. It is was in the future, though. A future he never saw. What do you do when it's a celebration and all you want to do is utter gutteral screams? The ugly truth stares at you. Taunting. The memories. The never will be's. It's a birthday celebration. Life. But he's not here. All the years of cakes and parties. Careful planning. Presents. Dinners. Celebration. Life. This is his 4th Birthday in heaven. I've missed his 18th, 19th, 20th and now 21st birthdays. Because of ... View Post
It’s Time. . . Continued
He's not coming back. No matter how much I want him. 37 months today. How can that be? A glorious sunrise over the Mountain. Ushering another day. No matter how many nights I agonize over his death. He's not coming back. The youngest longs for her own space. Desires solitude. Much like her brother in so many ways. She moves some of her belongings to his room. She then asks me. This is not the first time. She has tried before to move into that space. The space painted and decorated for my first born son. A labor of love by his God father, Harold. My hopes and dreams. Now ... View Post
Letting Go
Right from the beginning. The separation starts. The umbilical cord; cut. Beautiful and tragic all in the same moment. Letting go. Forced. Birth. A process. A cathartic event. Bringing life. Yet the beginning of the journey home. Pulling. Tugging. Letting go. Life brought forth. Constant letting go. Weaning. Walking. And then a run. A run through Elementary, Middle and then High School. Letting go. Until you find yourself in the audience at Commencement. You wonder where the time has gone? How have you arrived at this place? Letting go. College. Here she is. My ... View Post
50 Years
It's been 50 years since this couple said I do. They are celebrating today, in heaven. Together. We miss them. My brothers and I. My sisters in law too. Their friends. Both gone too soon. Today. I choose to remember. The good. It could be bad. And it was definitely bad at times. Somehow. It always turned around. Wrongs; forgiven. Or forgotten. Tempers that would flare; pacified. A deep sense of commitment that transcended emotions or feelings. The commitment that walked through cancer and the memory thief. A love that digs deep and presses on. It ... View Post
With Gratitude This Broken Hearted Mama says, Thank You!
With Gratitude This Broken Hearted Mama says, Thank You! We rose early. A week ago now! My brother in law and I. And while it was still quiet; a hush still over everything. We set the pig to roasting. Later in the day we would welcome family, friends and community members to the farm. There was much to do. The day dawned beautifully. With coffee in hand we began to work. The tents set up the day before. We decorated and created. Many hands. I prayed over that space and time. I wanted people to feel welcome and relaxed. I wanted people to have a good time. I ... View Post
Losing Heart
Frankly I had lost heart. She was not accepted into the Nursing Program. This college girl of mine. There was no room. They were not taking transfer students. She had spoken to board members. Sent in her application. Still. The answer was no. And no matter how hard I tried; tried to understand that this was not God's will for her- there was something else planned- I lost heart. I was discouraged. My heart hurt for my girl. She's worked hard. Things don't come easy to our family. And this constant barrage of deaths and rough times, had left me discouraged and ... View Post
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