He's not coming back. No matter how much I want him. 37 months today. How can that be? A glorious sunrise over the Mountain. Ushering another day. No matter how many nights I agonize over his death. He's not coming back. The youngest longs for her own space. Desires solitude. Much like her brother in so many ways. She moves some of her belongings to his room. She then asks me. This is not the first time. She has tried before to move into that space. The space painted and decorated for my first born son. A labor of love by his God father, Harold. My hopes and dreams. Now ... View Post
Letting Go
Right from the beginning. The separation starts. The umbilical cord; cut. Beautiful and tragic all in the same moment. Letting go. Forced. Birth. A process. A cathartic event. Bringing life. Yet the beginning of the journey home. Pulling. Tugging. Letting go. Life brought forth. Constant letting go. Weaning. Walking. And then a run. A run through Elementary, Middle and then High School. Letting go. Until you find yourself in the audience at Commencement. You wonder where the time has gone? How have you arrived at this place? Letting go. College. Here she is. My ... View Post
Reconstructing
Reconstructing. Each day. How to do dinner. What the table looks like. His car in the driveway. All how to live without my son. Each day.Learning. The path. God has ordained. Not my will. But His. And so I learn. While my heart misses. I open my heart to the will of the Father. A young teen plays Elijah's drum set at church. A young man unaware of the story. Playing to Worship. The same God. All for His Glory. So I learn, to trust more. Rest where there is chaos. Quiet when ... View Post
Dear Mom
Dear Mom, So many times I have picked up the phone to call. My heart hurts missing Elijah. Yet you reign with him on high. It was April vacation. I missed our time together. It was always so much warmer at your house. Such a perfect time to be away. We would sit on your screened in porch. How you loved that addition to your home. We'd drink coffee and argue. Goodness we never could see eye to eye on very much; except our love for our Lord. I went to a family baby shower. Your presence missed so ... View Post
Even in the Rush. . . We Can Slow it Down
The sun shone this weekend. For the whole weekend. There were no extra activities. Time seemed to slow. No rushing. Dinner with friends. The farm boy playing music. Time with my farmer. There was hand holding. Time to talk. Slow. Last minute guests at the guest house. Sheets on the line. Book work. Time for listening and dreaming. A fire at my partner in crime's home. Coffee. Slow. Soaking in the sun. Compost delivery. A ride in the truck to visit neighbors. No ... View Post
An Empty Bed
He didn't come home that night. His bed was empty. Last night she didn't come home. Her bed was empty. It's been 25 months since I have seen that red headed boy of mine. 2 years and 1 month. And how my heart still aches. Somehow times marches on. In some ways I am stuck. And will always be. On July, 28, 2013. A piece of my heart that remains, there. She, on the other hand. Has flown the nest. Spreading her wings. We moved her into her dorm room. So much ahead of ... View Post
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