I climb the stairs. A routine established each night. His door is the first at the top of the stairs. Everything is so quiet. Two are at camp. One in heaven. I make a comment on face book about wanting to keep my kids young. The responses are interesting. No, they say. You want them to grow up and enjoy all they will become. Right now, those thoughts are hard to embrace. When they were young they were all here. They were safe. We have enjoyed the oldest. College. Moving to ... View Post
Do You Know Where You’re Headed?
He had less than a week left. Less than a week to live. Oh how I miss him. How I long to talk to him; to hear his deep, rich voice. What about you: if you had less than a week left? Do you know you're loved? Beyond anything you could ask or imagine. Do you live with purpose and passion? Or has something stolen that passion? He was passionate. He lived life. He grabbed hold of each event with gusto. He lived with an abandon that teenagers live. Never thinking he had a date with eternity in a week. He was making plans. Promises to a ... View Post
This Is Not All There Is
It's less than 10 days- he would have had here on this earth. We had no idea. These days were his last. Each moment priceless. I step forward each day . Missing. Yet needing to press on. Washing, cleaning, cooking. Bills, groceries; life. Life that is holy. Purposeful. I check in with the kids and ask how they are. The sweet girl, more woman than girl, says she's fine. I push her. She looks at me and says, really, I am fine. He's better off. It's where I want to be. She's lost so ... View Post
I Snapped The Memory
I wake and I can feel the oppression. It is heavy. The weight of loss; the ache. Sometimes it's so hard to pray. I don't know what to say. It feels trivial. I've said it a hundred times already. God please be with me. Please, do not leave me. I pray Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I say the verse over and over. I long for Him to strengthen me. To hold ... View Post
When The Dark Is Illuminated
They've taken the floor off the porch. Bare. Exposed beams and 26 years of darkness. Rags, pans, leaves all brought to light. Accumulated through the years. Like our sins. Hidden where no one can see. Private. Yet choking. Holding you in bondage. While you wallow in the dark. It isn't until the exposure that the cleaning; the healing, can begin. The light transcends the darkness . It shatters what was. There is relief when the dark is illuminated. Hiding takes work. Much to conceal. In the revealing ... View Post
I Am Found
Each day I read last years post. Counting down the days of his life. Searching for meaning. Something I have missed. Like an addict looking for a hit. I want to see something. I long for just a glimpse. It consumes me; if I let it. How I want to touch or feel something connected to him. These final days of his life. He would live for 19 more days. That is it. I didn't know. My son. Full of hope; a future. We were mourning the loss of our puppy. Still grieving my mom, my parents dog, my dad's ... View Post
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