I brush the dirt away. Dirt from the farm of his years. Splattered on the stone from rain, while it sat on the patio. While we waited for the right time. Is there ever the right time? Is there ever the desire to place a stone at your son's grave? There isn't. This stone. Another gift given by the community. Etched in love by a teammate apprenticing with a Master. A teammate that knows the loss of a brother. Another life taken so soon. The analogy is not missed. We are here on this earth; ... View Post
Keep On, Keeping On
The words on the pole begin to fade. The area around the site; bare. The remnant of something. Unknown to passers by. A cross. 3 flags. A memorial, one thinks. Each drive along that route, I cry out to the Father. I ask for mercy in this process. I beg for the pain to be softened. I long to know why. Yet I don't remain there. There is still purpose and work left to do here. The tension of how to move on and remember, pull. A desire to hide from all that is moving on; strong. Effort made each day to surrender my ... View Post
I Said Yes, When Every Ounce Of Me Wanted To Shout, “No!”
I choke back the real answer I want to give. I hold my emotions in reserve. Every ounce of me wants to shout, "No!" She wants to go to the drive in with her friends. She needs money. Another night spins in my head. I didn't want him to go. I asked him not to go. I give her the money. I make popcorn and put it in a bag. I want her to be small again. I want to bathe them all and read stories while they all fight for a space on my lap. I want to pray and hear their gratefulness for the day. And then I want to ... View Post
We Can Only Change the Future
She posts this picture. It's her Anniversary. The tears just flow. I can't recall ever seeing this picture. This dear friend left for adventures and excitement out of New England soon after her wedding. Oh how life was back then. 24 years ago. It wasn't perfect. But there is an ache. For the way things used to be. For my son. For my mom and dad. For my friend; the miles that separate us. I was so honored to be her maid of honor. How I adored her. She was beautiful; her spirit soft and gentle. Kind. She wasn't rough around the ... View Post
Turning Monday Around
I start complaining before I open my eyes. The birds are so loud. My shoulder hurts. It's burning. I need Advil. I need coffee. I need the Ancient Word. But that means I have to get up. I am so bone weary tired. I need coffee; (I think I have already mentioned that) which I didn't prepare like I usually do. Because I was so tired. I just want to sleep in; have no agenda for the day. No cows, calves to feed, milking, haying, laundry, book work, rides, school, schedules. I roll over. I usually wake ... View Post
The Farm Boy Left Behind
He loves to be out doors. Always has. He'd cry when the farmer was heading out. We'd strategize how long he could stay outside. When his nap should be. Often it was taken with a grease rag pillow; somewhere in the tractor. Wanting to be with his father. Longing to be close to the earth. Now he races tracks on this land. He tills and toils and lifts and creates, Jumps and turns. It exhausts him. He pushes his muscles and expends the relentless energy. So committed. Yet, still so ... View Post
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