How would she have known- that mom at the store? How would she have known that her red headed boy pushing that cart reminded me of my own. Memories of grocery shopping trips flood my mind. The time I knocked over a whole display of Queso? What's up with those flimsy, cardboard displays anyway? How can you maneuver 5 kids, a cart and myself through the store, around those displays? I think of the time I almost left the cart and took the kids out. . . Oh, wait, I did do that. Left the whole cart and apologized to the cashier. I loaded those kids into the car and sat behind the steering ... View Post
Sometimes the Naming is Hard, 30 Days of Thankfulness, Day 28
Sometimes the Naming is hard. 7 years and 4 months without our son, sometimes makes the naming hard. It still catches me off guard. The grief. The ache. The longing. A reordering of how life should be. There's room where there should not be. And the Naming of that for which I am grateful is work. Practice. A soul work. Because when the words do not flow and the heart hurts the desire to focus inward often trumps all else. I sit with the ache for a few days. It's Thanksgiving and there is food to make and pies to bake. And my heart just longs for a glimpse of my red headed ... View Post
What To Do With Another Birthday
Our Community mourns the loss of another young child. An accident. A bike. A heart ache so deep. We on the farm hurt as we pray for this family and long to ease their ache. Our days have turned to years. 7 years our boy has been gone. Today marks 8 birthdays we've celebrated without him. I never know how to handle this day. Some days I just want to run. Run from the searing pain; The memories and excitement of being a mom. The grace of the years raising children. Other days I want to dig in and remember. To hold tightly to the days and years we had together. I close my eyes and ... View Post
When You Miss Your Son
My farmer walked into church. I stayed at home. He picked up the drum seat and held it up. It is called a throne. He shared, with a shocked congregation, that our beautiful red headed, blue eyed boy, now sat before the ultimate throne. His life ending abruptly. Without warning. No good byes. Finished. While we slept. We went to bed that Saturday evening with no idea we would have unexpected visitors in the early morning hours. Our beautiful son fell asleep at the wheel and met Jesus. He wasn't drinking or speeding. He had plans. He was living his best life. A girl ... View Post
Don’t Underestimate A Visit
Don't ever underestimate a visit. Ever. He sat at my table. We drank tea. Conversation flowed easily. I laughed. He shared about the things he has been doing and where he is headed. Hopes and Dreams. A path. Unsure. Yet ready. All too soon it was time for him to go. I don't know when I'll see him again. You see, life has a way of taking our kids far from us. New adventures. The unknown. Excitement. This young man warmed my heart. I'd been having a few down days. Struggling. Grief. The loss of a child is hard. Achingly so. The holidays rear and the missing lurks in ... View Post
30 Days of Thankfulness, Day #30 The Clean Up
The clean up. It's always hard for me. I can't seem to get the last dish put away or have it all completed. A life long struggle. Somehow the laundry is never truly finished. There's an extra sock, or a shirt that belongs to no one. I get distracted. The Clean up. No matter the year we usually transition right into Advent the day after Thanksgiving. This year Thanksgiving is so late Advent begins tomorrow. I am struggling to get rid of the piles and finish cooking down the turkey. I want to make soup and save the stock. But I can't find my big pot! The pot I just used to make ... View Post
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