It's his Birthday, once again. He'd be 26 today. 9 Birthdays in heaven. I can't seem to grasp the concept. This is the day he made me a mom. This is a day of great celebration. And so I enter the day apprehensively. I celebrate the 17 years I had. Once again. Good years. Fun years. Memories. Yet, I grieve at the loss. Once again. The ending. . . so soon. The loss of the future. And I vacillate. I still don't know how to do this. I am still unprepared at how I feel each year. That too is an unknown, until the day arrives. The loss of a child alters all that we ... View Post
It’s Time
There is much going on here. Wedding planning, haying, farming, a parlor and music room renovation. There is stuff everywhere- on the front porch, in the living room, and in the hallway. Change. The rooms have needed work for years. Neglected in the stream of life. But now. It's time. The rooms have been emptied and the wallpaper taken down. And in the corner have sat Elijah's drums. They have gathered dust and been pushed to the corner. They have become a catchall for random items. They have sat. Unused. Neglected. It's been 8 years since they have been played by their ... View Post
How Would She Have Known?
How would she have known- that mom at the store? How would she have known that her red headed boy pushing that cart reminded me of my own. Memories of grocery shopping trips flood my mind. The time I knocked over a whole display of Queso? What's up with those flimsy, cardboard displays anyway? How can you maneuver 5 kids, a cart and myself through the store, around those displays? I think of the time I almost left the cart and took the kids out. . . Oh, wait, I did do that. Left the whole cart and apologized to the cashier. I loaded those kids into the car and sat behind the steering ... View Post
Sometimes the Naming is Hard, 30 Days of Thankfulness, Day 28
Sometimes the Naming is hard. 7 years and 4 months without our son, sometimes makes the naming hard. It still catches me off guard. The grief. The ache. The longing. A reordering of how life should be. There's room where there should not be. And the Naming of that for which I am grateful is work. Practice. A soul work. Because when the words do not flow and the heart hurts the desire to focus inward often trumps all else. I sit with the ache for a few days. It's Thanksgiving and there is food to make and pies to bake. And my heart just longs for a glimpse of my red headed ... View Post
What To Do With Another Birthday
Our Community mourns the loss of another young child. An accident. A bike. A heart ache so deep. We on the farm hurt as we pray for this family and long to ease their ache. Our days have turned to years. 7 years our boy has been gone. Today marks 8 birthdays we've celebrated without him. I never know how to handle this day. Some days I just want to run. Run from the searing pain; The memories and excitement of being a mom. The grace of the years raising children. Other days I want to dig in and remember. To hold tightly to the days and years we had together. I close my eyes and ... View Post
When You Miss Your Son
My farmer walked into church. I stayed at home. He picked up the drum seat and held it up. It is called a throne. He shared, with a shocked congregation, that our beautiful red headed, blue eyed boy, now sat before the ultimate throne. His life ending abruptly. Without warning. No good byes. Finished. While we slept. We went to bed that Saturday evening with no idea we would have unexpected visitors in the early morning hours. Our beautiful son fell asleep at the wheel and met Jesus. He wasn't drinking or speeding. He had plans. He was living his best life. A girl ... View Post
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