Even though the sun was shining I felt off. The whole day. Tears flowed no matter where I turned. A heaviness seemed to have settled and I couldn't push it off. The weight of all the troubles here seemed insurmountable. Gratitude felt trite and pious. It was a beautiful day. Temperatures warmer. Sun shining in every window. Warmth. Yet it did nothing to stir my soul. It did nothing to change my mood or lift the crushing weight of sadness and heaviness. I puttered through the house trying to tackle the huge list that has accumulated. The mudroom clutter grew as I became ... View Post
30 Days of Thankfulness, Day #12 I Will Never Forget
Shes asks me a question. We talk about Elijah. Strangely it feels good. I want to talk about him. I know people shy away; tired of the grief. Desire surer footing. My roller coaster of emotions not their cup of tea. Yet, the ache continues and the loss deep. My son. I read through old posts. Posts from the days of shock and fog. How hard this road is . Yet how quickly we're expected to move on. To appear normal. To assume the path, as if nothing has changed. Yet, for me everything has changed. Setting the table, the folding clothes, cleaning, family photos, doing ... View Post
Would I Still Have Said, “yes”?
Would I still have said , "yes" had I known how marriage would be? Our feelings get hurt. Life races at warped speed creating a vacuum and time is not available. Time needed to work out issues or express feelings. It's just not there. There's deadlines, and kids. Meals to prepare, houses to clean, bills to pay, homework, ball games, dances, ministry, you name it. So. many. distractions. We're misunderstood. It's not always easy being married. Even after 26 years. Yet, isn't that the challenge? How do we make it, "against all odds?" I don't know. I really don't. All around us ... View Post
Finding Peace in the Fall Foliage
She waves as she pulls away. It's Friday afternoon and she's full of life and plans. She is navigating friends, classes, work and this thing we call life. I look at her and she smiles. I wonder as she pulls away if I will ever see her again. Will she too never come home? I think of that with all the kids. Especially as they drive away. Not always. Sometimes. It flashes before me. And the gut wrenching desire to hold them all right here with me rears. I turn to go back into the house. I don't want to descend into worry or fear. But, Oh, how easy it would be. I take a moment to ... View Post
What Is Your Legacy?
Do you think about your legacy? I try to walk by faith; keeping my focus heavenward- On Jesus. I try to surrender my will. Pray for strength. Ask for forgiveness. I fall short. Each and every day. I don't live up to the expectations I know I should. I fail. Every single day. I can't keep the house clean. I can't cook the food fast enough, with enough for everyone or in the way everyone likes. I can't ever finish the laundry, book work or chores. I fail every day. And every day I am reminded of my failures because they are in front of me. The dirty house, unfinished ... View Post
What Is This Longing I Feel Deep In My Soul?
I feel the longing, deep in my soul. I haven't felt that ache in a long time. It is gripping and searing hot. Photos of mom. Mother's Day. A beautiful post by Ann Voskamp. The searing, hot feeling lingers. The tears slip down my cheek. Oh, how I miss my mom. I long to see her. Her last months on this earth were agonizing. The ravages of cancer took her appetite, strength and voice. Yet it never touched her spirit. Confined to a wheel chair do to lack of strength, she stood, with arms raised high to praise our God at her grandsons baptism. Her spirit was a gift. Her ... View Post
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