I trust God. Trusting God has been part of my life as along as I remember. Yielding. Each moment. Routine. Grace. Now. It's the trusting that he will, that is hard. I know he can. But will he? This is a struggle. This is how my life is impacted by the loss of a son. I have new family dynamics. Who is the Oldest? The second born? The Youngest boy is now the Oldest boy; and is so messed up and painful and hard. It's messy and dirty and loud and heart wrenching. I can't sort it out or make it make sense. And each time I lean in to trust there's a piece of me that says he ... View Post
Really. It’s a Celebration.
It's my son's birthday today. He's 21. We had talked about this day. What he might like to do. It is was in the future, though. A future he never saw. What do you do when it's a celebration and all you want to do is utter gutteral screams? The ugly truth stares at you. Taunting. The memories. The never will be's. It's a birthday celebration. Life. But he's not here. All the years of cakes and parties. Careful planning. Presents. Dinners. Celebration. Life. This is his 4th Birthday in heaven. I've missed his 18th, 19th, 20th and now 21st birthdays. Because of ... View Post
It’s Time. . . Continued
He's not coming back. No matter how much I want him. 37 months today. How can that be? A glorious sunrise over the Mountain. Ushering another day. No matter how many nights I agonize over his death. He's not coming back. The youngest longs for her own space. Desires solitude. Much like her brother in so many ways. She moves some of her belongings to his room. She then asks me. This is not the first time. She has tried before to move into that space. The space painted and decorated for my first born son. A labor of love by his God father, Harold. My hopes and dreams. Now ... View Post
Letting Go
Right from the beginning. The separation starts. The umbilical cord; cut. Beautiful and tragic all in the same moment. Letting go. Forced. Birth. A process. A cathartic event. Bringing life. Yet the beginning of the journey home. Pulling. Tugging. Letting go. Life brought forth. Constant letting go. Weaning. Walking. And then a run. A run through Elementary, Middle and then High School. Letting go. Until you find yourself in the audience at Commencement. You wonder where the time has gone? How have you arrived at this place? Letting go. College. Here she is. My ... View Post
With Gratitude This Broken Hearted Mama says, Thank You!
With Gratitude This Broken Hearted Mama says, Thank You! We rose early. A week ago now! My brother in law and I. And while it was still quiet; a hush still over everything. We set the pig to roasting. Later in the day we would welcome family, friends and community members to the farm. There was much to do. The day dawned beautifully. With coffee in hand we began to work. The tents set up the day before. We decorated and created. Many hands. I prayed over that space and time. I wanted people to feel welcome and relaxed. I wanted people to have a good time. I ... View Post
Learning How to Walk a Path I Do Not Like
The Anniversary date approaches. Forever etched in my mind. The week has been rough. Emotional. Out of sorts. The day it happened; a Sunday. The morning my farmer walked into church. Picked up the drum seat "a throne"; and shared that our son now was in the presence of the King of Kings. Who sits on His Throne. The gracious and Holy God. I feel numb when I think of those wee hours in the morning. The police. Flashing blue lights. Darkness. No power. I can feel the shock that crept like a thief through my whole body. My farmer and now only son heading to the barn. Me ... View Post
- « Previous Page
- 1
- …
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
- …
- 19
- Next Page »
