The geese are making noise. A few trees have begun their colorful transformation. The nights have cooled and we found ourselves wrapped in blankets yesterday. A reminder that winter is fast approaching. Another fall. Another without my son. Our family still reels at the thought of life without Elijah. Every fiber of our being longs for his presence. Yet we press on. We step forward. We are seeking and reaching for the path God wants us to take. Each day I strive to live fully. The unknowns rise before me; the tempest at ... View Post
Even In The Searing Pain; We are Not Abandoned
I want to avoid his room. I haven't been in for a while. Sometimes the weight of the pain is crushing. I bring laundry up the stairs and turn away quickly. I pick up and work for a while. When it's time to go downstairs. I avoid looking. It's been a year. . . and a week. How can I do this long term? How can I survive this piercing pain? Some days it is so hard to function. I am distracted. Unsettled. Sad. Each moment needing to change my focus and reach for more. Seeking the beauty in the ... View Post
It Is Well With Me. . . .Because Of Him
It's been a year. A year since we were outside harvesting the sunshine for winter. Working together. Spurred on by the holy spirit I went to the barn. 2 kids off at camp. The other 2, with friends. So I went to the barn. To be with my son and my farmer. I wrapped bales. I slowed the process. I wrote on bales. Messages for the dark of winter. I wrote on one bale in particular; which we found months later. When the battle of cancer versus chemo and radiation was waging. I didn't know, ... View Post
Is There Ever The Right Time?
I brush the dirt away. Dirt from the farm of his years. Splattered on the stone from rain, while it sat on the patio. While we waited for the right time. Is there ever the right time? Is there ever the desire to place a stone at your son's grave? There isn't. This stone. Another gift given by the community. Etched in love by a teammate apprenticing with a Master. A teammate that knows the loss of a brother. Another life taken so soon. The analogy is not missed. We are here on this earth; ... View Post
Keep On, Keeping On
The words on the pole begin to fade. The area around the site; bare. The remnant of something. Unknown to passers by. A cross. 3 flags. A memorial, one thinks. Each drive along that route, I cry out to the Father. I ask for mercy in this process. I beg for the pain to be softened. I long to know why. Yet I don't remain there. There is still purpose and work left to do here. The tension of how to move on and remember, pull. A desire to hide from all that is moving on; strong. Effort made each day to surrender my ... View Post
Searching, Seeking
As I mourn one. An extra is at my table. One who ponders the questions in the night. Comes to the barn in the wee hours. Wrestling with the heaviness of life. Searching. So many come. Needing. They seek the solace and rhythm of the barn. Something deep and rich. It is truth they seek. Elijah sought truth. His life on this earth plagued with the inconsistencies he saw. You say what you claim to be, but act as if you knew not. Wise beyond his years. Destined not for this world. It is a small solace to know he has all the answers he ... View Post
