Today, I remember. Here it is. I am half a century old today. When I turned 45 I lost my mother, my son, farmer was diagnosed with cancer and we lost a nephew. Here I am 5, years later. I really can not count for these 5 years. I mark them by, a year since mom died; 2 years since Elijah's been gone. Now it will be 5 years. I also mark time by counting God's faithfulness: Remember when our wood sheds were filled for the entire winter, and then my farmer was diagnosed with cancer? Remember when the ache of missing was so great and someone sent us away overnight. Remember when the ... View Post
4 and a Half Years
It's been 4 and a half years since I've seen your handsome face. I long to hear you call me mom. Crystal shared a video of you today. Just the sound of your voice brought me to my knees with missing. I think the ache will leave. I believe it will fade away. But. It doesn't. It is still there. The piercing, gut wrenching ache. But. You know what. I'm ok with the ache. A companion. It reminds me of the gift you were to me. Our prayed for child after our deep loss of our first baby. 17 years of watching you grow and learn. I had a gift; a treasure. Death can not steal those ... View Post
And. . . It’s 2018! A New Year!
It's 2018. A New Year. The icy blast has left temperature in the New Year below zero. So far below, in fact, our vehicles would not start. My farmer left chores to come down and get both the college girls car and my van started. There is work and school to go to. But it is cold. Stepping into a New Year is still so difficult. We move further and further away from the life with our son. It is heart wrenching, yet I am powerless to stop the New Year from coming. Do I really want to? 2018 promises to be full of new beginnings. Our farm boy will graduate from Boot Camp from Parris ... View Post
Strangers; Now Friends
Through this journey there have been blessings that words can not express. So many have reached out in different ways. We have become connected with strangers. A common thread; loss. A stranger reaching out in obedience, just to say they are praying. Grace. One of those strangers, now friends, came to visit. Visiting here because of a deep loss of her own, she took the time to see me. Her journey fraught with pain and loss of what she thought her life may be. Yet, always reaching out with encouragement to my hurting soul. She graced the farm with her presence. She came to see this ... View Post
Clinging to Hope
I walk out of my brother in laws house. Away from the baby shower. I've just spent a few hours in the company of those I love the most. Family and friends. Celebrating. A new life. Yet I leave empty. Sad. Overwhelmed. I haven't been here in a while. I glance out over the pasture. My brother in law's horse, Joe, stands stately in the field. I call to him. He comes. I wonder. Do you remember me? It's been years since I have seen you. I want to weep. Years of memories in this field, before there was a house. Before my mother and father in law journeyed home to ... View Post
‘Seeing’, What Lies Ahead
A new year has begun. Unmarred. Fresh. New. These past few years have been hard. The passing of the old, a reminder of time. Time moving forward without those we have loved so dearly. Learning how to live; differently. Breathing. In and out. One foot in front of the other. Searching for hope. Choosing joy. Standing on solid ground. I will admit it has been a hard year. Folks have moved on. Their lives not impacted much by the loss. Our loss. Another grief walk, as we said Good Bye to my dad. All while life is ebbing forward. I find it hard to commit. Staying on task has ... View Post
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