It's my son's birthday today. He's 21. We had talked about this day. What he might like to do. It is was in the future, though. A future he never saw. What do you do when it's a celebration and all you want to do is utter gutteral screams? The ugly truth stares at you. Taunting. The memories. The never will be's. It's a birthday celebration. Life. But he's not here. All the years of cakes and parties. Careful planning. Presents. Dinners. Celebration. Life. This is his 4th Birthday in heaven. I've missed his 18th, 19th, 20th and now 21st birthdays. Because of ... View Post
It’s Time. . . Continued
He's not coming back. No matter how much I want him. 37 months today. How can that be? A glorious sunrise over the Mountain. Ushering another day. No matter how many nights I agonize over his death. He's not coming back. The youngest longs for her own space. Desires solitude. Much like her brother in so many ways. She moves some of her belongings to his room. She then asks me. This is not the first time. She has tried before to move into that space. The space painted and decorated for my first born son. A labor of love by his God father, Harold. My hopes and dreams. Now ... View Post
Letting Go
Right from the beginning. The separation starts. The umbilical cord; cut. Beautiful and tragic all in the same moment. Letting go. Forced. Birth. A process. A cathartic event. Bringing life. Yet the beginning of the journey home. Pulling. Tugging. Letting go. Life brought forth. Constant letting go. Weaning. Walking. And then a run. A run through Elementary, Middle and then High School. Letting go. Until you find yourself in the audience at Commencement. You wonder where the time has gone? How have you arrived at this place? Letting go. College. Here she is. My ... View Post
50 Years
It's been 50 years since this couple said I do. They are celebrating today, in heaven. Together. We miss them. My brothers and I. My sisters in law too. Their friends. Both gone too soon. Today. I choose to remember. The good. It could be bad. And it was definitely bad at times. Somehow. It always turned around. Wrongs; forgiven. Or forgotten. Tempers that would flare; pacified. A deep sense of commitment that transcended emotions or feelings. The commitment that walked through cancer and the memory thief. A love that digs deep and presses on. It ... View Post
When God Puts A Stamp on Your Dream
Last night. I did something I've always wanted to do. I planned. Prayed. Daydreamed. Sketched. Changed my mind. Sometimes ideas take root in your mind. They begin deep in your soul. A thought. A whim. Often they lie there buried. Deep. Year after year. This year we've put feet on two of my dreams. God in his mercy has let me experience the joy of the root of a thought. A desire. I didn't know either would take shape. I knew my heart was willing. I was ready. I surrendered. Then God put his stamp on the dream. And that made all the difference. In October we welcomed ... View Post
When There is No Warning
Some days the missing is so great. It sneaks up. No warning. I can't change this. I am a mom. I want to fix things. Make it better. I am powerless. I call on the name of Jesus. Sometimes our burdens weigh us down. They threaten to crush and steal our joy. This is the journey of a mom whose son lies deep beneath the sod. The missing grips; tears at the inside. Our child; Flesh and blood, torn from us. I find other things to do. To distract myself. I think on the wonder of things. My children. Grandchildren. But the pain is too great. I need to walk through this. I ... View Post
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