The email pops up. It's your birthday take $25 off your order. My mind racks. Whose birthday? I look. He rarely used his e-mail for anything. He used mine. My stomach lurches. The reminders painful. I try to remember to breathe. I can't hold my breath each time; each time there is a reminder. Death is permanent. What's on the other side is eternal. But here, this side of eternity; it's permanent. And it will tear you apart. The missing reaches into places you never knew existed. It can twist and turn until ... View Post
As Time Passes
It's been weeks since I've gone into his room. A hiatus from the reminders. Dust collects as time passes. Things undisturbed. Much the same way since the night he was called home. His room still smells like him. I close my eyes to remember. I miss him so. How does a life continue when your child, your hope and future are torn from you? How do the steps move with the ebb and flow when there is a deep chasm in your aching soul. Elijah was God's child. He was never mine to keep. Children are a gift from the ... View Post
Do You Know What You Are Reaching For?
The geese are making noise. A few trees have begun their colorful transformation. The nights have cooled and we found ourselves wrapped in blankets yesterday. A reminder that winter is fast approaching. Another fall. Another without my son. Our family still reels at the thought of life without Elijah. Every fiber of our being longs for his presence. Yet we press on. We step forward. We are seeking and reaching for the path God wants us to take. Each day I strive to live fully. The unknowns rise before me; the tempest at ... View Post
Even In The Searing Pain; We are Not Abandoned
I want to avoid his room. I haven't been in for a while. Sometimes the weight of the pain is crushing. I bring laundry up the stairs and turn away quickly. I pick up and work for a while. When it's time to go downstairs. I avoid looking. It's been a year. . . and a week. How can I do this long term? How can I survive this piercing pain? Some days it is so hard to function. I am distracted. Unsettled. Sad. Each moment needing to change my focus and reach for more. Seeking the beauty in the ... View Post
You Can Still Press On
When your parents dog, father's sister (your god mother), parents best friend and mother have all died within 10 days and the memory thief has knocked on your father's door. . . and he needs you to get through . . . you can still press on. When you beg God to take your mother because the ravages of cancer have left her lifeless and emaciated, he won't. . . .you can still press on. You can sit in your yard and hold your daughter's beloved dog that has just been hit by a car and beg for him to live, and he won't. He will die in your arms and you will not shed a ... View Post
How Do You Make The Glorious Summer Days Last?
How do you make the glorious summer days last? Seeking to embrace the quiet. Loving the cool breeze and sunshine. Yet the urgent supersedes. Never ending. Constant motion. Be still. I want to slow the pace. I want to breathe it all in; not miss anything. It is hot. We sit in the river; my sister in law and I. The first time all summer. I close my eyes; I feel the warmth of the sun. I want to hold on to this time. Remember the warmth when the winter cold settles. I feel the cool water flowing beneath me. Aren't all the days fleeting? Psalm ... View Post
