I've been procrastinating for three years. A task I do not want to do. A task no one ever wants to do. A task that one shouldn't have to do. I have avoided Elijah's room. Pretend it doesn't exist. Closed the door to make it go away. His smell is still there. It's heady. It makes me weak in my knees. Sick to my stomach. His motorcycle helmet. The socks he changed out of. Still there. The sheets he had on his bed. But it's time. God said so. He sent one of Elijah's friends to ask if we had an extra room for him. Since our guest room will be filled; the only room is ... View Post
Reconstructing
Reconstructing. Each day. How to do dinner. What the table looks like. His car in the driveway. All how to live without my son. Each day.Learning. The path. God has ordained. Not my will. But His. And so I learn. While my heart misses. I open my heart to the will of the Father. A young teen plays Elijah's drum set at church. A young man unaware of the story. Playing to Worship. The same God. All for His Glory. So I learn, to trust more. Rest where there is chaos. Quiet when ... View Post
I Will Trust In You
He takes my hand. That farmer of mine. I ask him how he is. He says fine. See, he lives by the thought; If I live; Great. If I die; Better. He asks me how I am? I begin to weep. You see, because I don't want to lose him. Because I am tired. I am weary. I am tired of bad news. I know there is good in everything. I seek that which is good. But today. For the moment. I am not fine. I am sad. I am scared. I am numb. The CT scan showed some ... View Post
In an Impulsive, Immediate Gratification Seeking Culture. . . I Will Wait
God closed a door. And I didn't like it. He'd already slammed the door in other ways in our lives. This felt like it was just the last straw. I vacillated between anger and trying to trust. Leaning on what I know. . . not on what I feel. Those are hard things. This world throws things into our pathway. At each turn; we choose. We can step into grace. Seeking wisdom in the walk. Trusting in a plan held by a Divine Creator. Or we can let this world drag us down. Bitterness and anger seep in. I started ... View Post
An Empty Bed
He didn't come home that night. His bed was empty. Last night she didn't come home. Her bed was empty. It's been 25 months since I have seen that red headed boy of mine. 2 years and 1 month. And how my heart still aches. Somehow times marches on. In some ways I am stuck. And will always be. On July, 28, 2013. A piece of my heart that remains, there. She, on the other hand. Has flown the nest. Spreading her wings. We moved her into her dorm room. So much ahead of ... View Post
Alone
Alone. That's how I find myself this week. Plans to spend time with the youngest. Changed. And now. Alone. At first. I do not know how to react. Alone. In a room. A clean room. 2 beds. Meals prepared. Solid biblical preaching. All alone. My own schedule. Clean towels everyday. Coffee. Everywhere. In the room. In the lobby. In the dining hall. Alone. I don't do alone. I find someone to accompany me to the store. I fight off the panic that ... View Post
