I just want off this road. I don't want to live without our son. We invest so much in our kids. We thrill at their successes and mourn at their losses. Our days are ordered around their life as we watch them become all they can be. Our family is a unit. Each with it's unique function; making us whole. Our dream is for them to be all they can be in Christ. We long for them to make this world a better place. To bring change to this hurting world. To be Jesus to the lost. To share hope. And when that dream is dashed; torn from you. We don't feel whole any more. There is ... View Post
An Unwanted Visitor Is Trying To Call Again; Depression Is Not a Welcomed Guest
It is one of those days where the gloom threatens to spill over. As I opened my eyes the weight descended. The life without Elijah. Missing his presence in our lives. These days will come. The missing overpowering. The weight of the days necessity looming. I will not give in. Gary speaks of depression. It's been almost 18 years since we walked that weary road. A depression brought on by Elijah's birth and the switch from milking in a tie stall; to over night change to a milking parlor. Now brought on by Elijah's ... View Post
Our Highest Calling
My Highest Calling. I stare at his picture. I still can't believe he is gone. My first born, my flesh and blood. I touch the picture. Longing to touch that skin, to hear the sound of his voice; calling me mom. I remember when he first called me mom. Do any of us ever forget? I had already lost a child that never called me mom. So this was precious. Oh, so precious. Those words came out. Words I had longed to hear. So much wrapped in 3 letters. 3 letters I will never hear from him again. I wrestle each day with how this can be God's plan. How such a fun, handsome, ... View Post
The Super Bowl And The Almighty. . .All In A Day
It's Sunday. And I know his mercies are new every morning. It was the immediate thought that ran through my head when I saw the sunrise the morning of Elijah's home-going. His mercy and grace have been extended greatly in the past 6 months. We have been carried when we can not walk. We have been loved and cared for by our friends and community in ways I could never have imagined. I am glad for this day of rest. I am weary. The week has been long. My emotions getting the better of me most of the time. I can't sort out some of this ... View Post
Even Before The Day Dawns. . . Much Work Has Been Done
Even before the day dawns much has been done. The farmer rises at 3 even through chemo and radiation. The cows need to be brought in, milking machines set up and milking started. Most of this happens while the rest of the world slumbers. Including me. It is not until 5 that I crawl out of bed. These cold mornings it is more of a leap. I grab coffee and the Word to begin my day. Always coffee. Always God's word. 15 years ago, when I was in the thick of working and book work for the farm; an 11 year old step daughter, 2 children and one on the way, I prayed. I asked God to help me find ... View Post
I Don’t Have A Typical To Do List
This day. It is new. There is laundry and dirt. There is an abundance of clutter, paper work and dishes. There is financial stress, farming chores and broken equipment. There is still cancer and the searing pain of the loss of a child. Today marks 3 years for another family and the loss of their son. A Classmate of Elijah's. A name read at Graduation. The emotion so overwhelming we clapped and cried, remembering. For a long time. A life cut short by his own hand. I remember the feeling. . . how can you lose a child? How ... View Post
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