From Memorial Day to Labor Day - something changed in me. An usually hot summer and busy schedule left little time for relaxation. Extended time at the River, was rare. Racing and driving kids to activities was prevalent. But something changed in me. God asked me to take some steps out of the comfort zone I was striving to maintain. Memorial Day found me traveling to Fort Leonard Wood, MO to visit our Marine. He had an extended leave and wanted to know if I would visit. I have rarely traveled and only once alone. The guilt of leaving my family, anxiety of traveling alone sent me into ... View Post
The Words Have Not Flowed
The words have not flowed. I struggle to quiet myself long enough to write. So much has been happening. I delve into the Psalms and scripture longing to string thoughts together. Nothing comes. The pages remain blank. There was a starkness in my heart as the Winter progressed. The snow fell. Temperatures fell well below zero. Many days our boiler was out. We didn't have enough wood. I was cold. Our toilet stopped flushing and we have had to bucket flush for months. Milk prices continued to fall. The bank would not lend us any more money to finish the barn. Months had passed ... View Post
I Will Trust In You
He takes my hand. That farmer of mine. I ask him how he is. He says fine. See, he lives by the thought; If I live; Great. If I die; Better. He asks me how I am? I begin to weep. You see, because I don't want to lose him. Because I am tired. I am weary. I am tired of bad news. I know there is good in everything. I seek that which is good. But today. For the moment. I am not fine. I am sad. I am scared. I am numb. The CT scan showed some ... View Post
The Icy Fear That Can Grip So Suddenly
Will this ever be easy? Will waiting for the children to come home ever feel safe again? I hold my breath. I feel tense. My spirit unsettled. Waiting. For the axe to drop. Anticipating the negative. Icy cold fear. It creeps in. Slowly. While you're not aware. It is there. Gripping. Choking. The dawn will come and it will be 23 months since my boy walked the face of this earth. 23 months since I have felt normal, It has been 23 months of putting one foot in front of the ... View Post
Whom Shall I Fear?
I cut his hair. This man I call dad. My hero. Handsome. Fun. Handy. Now ordered and known intimately by the memory thief. He cracks a few jokes. We visit. It's time to go. I can feel the lump. The elevator; a mind of it's own today. My brother and I stand and wait. It's the leaving. I head to my car. I call my farmer. I can barely talk. I list off the "not right's" and the pain of the past 27 months. All the losses. So many. It clouds my ... View Post
The Routine A Farm Life Brings Day #19 of Thankfulness
I turn on the fire, A hot cup of coffee in hand. I sit. I have started the laundry. The sound comforting and steady. The warmth from the fire removes the chill from the room. These plunging temperatures and fierce wind make it hard for this old farmhouse to stay warm. The day looms before me. Choices to make. A life to live. Up at the barn the routine of milking continues. Cow after cow. Chore after chore. Steady. There is something soothing about routine. It is the way of the farm life. Never ... View Post
