The rains come. The earth eager for nourishment. The sound triggers memories. All senses alert. These are the pre-death days. Each moment so vivid. Such technicolor. Each night I fight against the jagged thoughts. The waking from sleep. The flashlights playing on my window. The knocking on the door. The deep dark. Knowing something is not right. The air conditioner. Off. No lights. It all threatens to tear at me. Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be ... View Post
When Trusting Comes Hard
I have a confession to make. I don't trust Him enough. At all. I get a call from a friend. She says I am not trying to be a nosy neighbor but I wanted you to know your tractor and manure spreader were stopped by the police. I start to shake. I tell her thank you. I can't stop shaking. I call Gary. I hang up the phone. I sit at the desk and shake. The tank could have flipped. My mind races. I relive the accident night over again. I hear God's voice. Do you trust me enough? My shaky voice answers, No. I don't ... View Post
When Fear Knocks On Your Door
In the morning when I rise. . . Fear knocks on the door to my heart. It's face menacing and unwanted. His love is greater than my fear. His love covers over the pain. His love is enough. Instead of suffering. I sometimes feel like I am suffocating. The life and breath being taken. Each place I turn uncertainty and concern. The way unclear. The very earth being pulled from under me. Until all I have left; Is Christ. That's it. Give me Jesus That's what He wants. His love is greater than all my fears. I John 4:18 There ... View Post
At The Sound Of His Great Name
"Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name" ~Natalie Grant This journey is relentless. There is no escape. The weight of grief a daily struggle. I cry out. The enemy flees;at the sound of His great name. Our fears; have no place at the sound of His great name! My anguish and my grief have been conquered. Do you know that power? Have you been washed in the blood? Can you stand on His promises? When your world is shattered and your baby isn't ever coming home; when your mom ... View Post
Fear. . .Slowly Strangles Trust
There are days I just want to make it all go away. I just want off this life I am living. The path is hard and unforgiving. The weight crushing at times. I long to shake this skin. I long to not ache. I should be rejoicing. We are done with chemo. We are done with radiation. I should be jumping for joy. But I can't. We still travel to the hospital. My farmer's weight is dangerously low. Food a necessity. Eating to live. His body racks with cough from excess mucus from the radiation. His sleep disturbed each night. I reach out and ... View Post
When You’re Prayers Aren’t Answered. . .And Life Has Taken A Sharp Turn
The intent was for summers warmth to dissipate winters cruel blow. For the prayers on the bales to be seen when the sun has hidden itself for days on end. When the dark of the day is the longest and encouragement in short supply. I prayed over everyone of those bales. Every single one. I wrote my prayers out. I prayed for relief from the financial strain and plentiful nutrients in those bales. I prayed for protection for my family. For strength in the journey. But my prayers weren't answered. Sometimes they aren't. As a matter of fact my prayers were ... View Post