My Highest Calling. I stare at his picture. I still can't believe he is gone. My first born, my flesh and blood. I touch the picture. Longing to touch that skin, to hear the sound of his voice; calling me mom. I remember when he first called me mom. Do any of us ever forget? I had already lost a child that never called me mom. So this was precious. Oh, so precious. Those words came out. Words I had longed to hear. So much wrapped in 3 letters. 3 letters I will never hear from him again. I wrestle each day with how this can be God's plan. How such a fun, handsome, ... View Post
The Things We Could Learn From A Farmer
It's the last day of radiation for my farmer. He needs some hydration after the treatment. He hasn't needed hydration at all except during treatment. How did they know he would need it now? I am so grateful. You can tell he needs it. He just perseveres. He never complains. He has been amazing through these treatments. There are so many lessons learned from the generations of farmers. If we all lived a little more like them, I think this world would be a much better place. I could be biased. I married one. Here are some lessons I have learned in the last 24 years from my ... View Post
Bringing Order Out Of Chaos
He rings the bell. The bell rung to celebrate the end of chemo. I try to take a video. My hands shake. We are done with chemo. Unexpectedly. We thought we had one more week. They had miscalculated. Last week was the last treatment. The toxic cocktails have ceased. We are on to the next steps. Life after cancer, and life without our son. I fight back the tears that threaten to spill. They let me ring the bell. I ring it loud. I ring if for my mom, for my husband; for my son that I so desperately miss. I ring it for ... View Post
When You’re Prayers Aren’t Answered. . .And Life Has Taken A Sharp Turn
The intent was for summers warmth to dissipate winters cruel blow. For the prayers on the bales to be seen when the sun has hidden itself for days on end. When the dark of the day is the longest and encouragement in short supply. I prayed over everyone of those bales. Every single one. I wrote my prayers out. I prayed for relief from the financial strain and plentiful nutrients in those bales. I prayed for protection for my family. For strength in the journey. But my prayers weren't answered. Sometimes they aren't. As a matter of fact my prayers were ... View Post
Even Before The Day Dawns. . . Much Work Has Been Done
Even before the day dawns much has been done. The farmer rises at 3 even through chemo and radiation. The cows need to be brought in, milking machines set up and milking started. Most of this happens while the rest of the world slumbers. Including me. It is not until 5 that I crawl out of bed. These cold mornings it is more of a leap. I grab coffee and the Word to begin my day. Always coffee. Always God's word. 15 years ago, when I was in the thick of working and book work for the farm; an 11 year old step daughter, 2 children and one on the way, I prayed. I asked God to help me find ... View Post
His Stocking is Empty, But the Manger Isn’t; Finding Christmas Joy
His stocking is empty. The stocking I made to match with our farm boy. A stocking I have filled for 17 precious years. Stockings that were 4 and then became 8 and this year would have been 9. But after 17 years. It is empty. It hangs limp, while all the others burst from the seams; awaiting their precious owners. But it's not about the stockings, or the tree. It's not about the presents; but His presence. And as I stepped outside this morning, the heavens declared their Majesty. The moon and the stars in all their bright, glory rang out the song that, Jesus is ... View Post
