Yeah; that moment when the Town Annual Report comes. And you remember being excited because in it was the birth of your child. You save it. You want to remember for all of forever how this important monumental event is captured in the Annals of human history for all to see. Your child; in bold letters was born. You horde extra copies like they are gold, so that your son will know what went on in the town during that time. But now. The Annual Report comes. Your heart sinks; your hands shake; your legs give way. You go cold. It ... View Post
An Unwanted Visitor Is Trying To Call Again; Depression Is Not a Welcomed Guest
It is one of those days where the gloom threatens to spill over. As I opened my eyes the weight descended. The life without Elijah. Missing his presence in our lives. These days will come. The missing overpowering. The weight of the days necessity looming. I will not give in. Gary speaks of depression. It's been almost 18 years since we walked that weary road. A depression brought on by Elijah's birth and the switch from milking in a tie stall; to over night change to a milking parlor. Now brought on by Elijah's ... View Post
Our Highest Calling
My Highest Calling. I stare at his picture. I still can't believe he is gone. My first born, my flesh and blood. I touch the picture. Longing to touch that skin, to hear the sound of his voice; calling me mom. I remember when he first called me mom. Do any of us ever forget? I had already lost a child that never called me mom. So this was precious. Oh, so precious. Those words came out. Words I had longed to hear. So much wrapped in 3 letters. 3 letters I will never hear from him again. I wrestle each day with how this can be God's plan. How such a fun, handsome, ... View Post
What I Learned From The Movie, Frozen
It happens later. After I have watched the film After I have been home; had a night's rest. While the farm house is still quiet. I ponder the movie. I always do. What themes are there? How could this be used in a classroom? What can we learn from this film? It's probably why I rarely go to the movies. This strikes me as I get my coffee. Fear. (I promise I won't spoil the movie) It's fear that drives her away. Fear of what she possesses and what will happen. Fear of the gift she possesses paralyzes her. It is what ... View Post
Mopping Away The Grit And The Grime
I finger the pages. The pages of the yearbook he'll never see. The 2013 yearbook that holds the memory of the last of his walk on this earth. Graduation and the hope of a future. I waited to look at it. I couldn't bring myself to walk into the pain; the endless sea of grief. But I look and I laugh and I remember. He was so loved. Such a humble young man; so missed. I hear stories from those around us of interactions with Elijah and my heart soars. Isn't that what every mama wants to hear? Stories of your boy and the beauty he left behind. He wasn't perfect. ... View Post
I Long For The Days Before The Accident, Before Cancer
Sometimes I want to be anywhere, but here. I long for the days. . .before the accident. . . Times before death and cancer became constant companions. When life, though difficult at times, was full. The journey deep with joy and gratitude for these children and the journey we were on. That life gone now. Because we will never be the same. Ever. I can never wake up again without feeling that something is missing. Some days the missing is so hard. It threatens to overwhelm. I close my eyes. I picture Elijah, I long to see him and ... View Post
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