I just want off this road. I don't want to live without our son. We invest so much in our kids. We thrill at their successes and mourn at their losses. Our days are ordered around their life as we watch them become all they can be. Our family is a unit. Each with it's unique function; making us whole. Our dream is for them to be all they can be in Christ. We long for them to make this world a better place. To bring change to this hurting world. To be Jesus to the lost. To share hope. And when that dream is dashed; torn from you. We don't feel whole any more. There is ... View Post
2 Mom’s Living On Solid Hope
There is another who grieves. Another mom who celebrates her son's birthday today; while he resides with the King of Kings. Her son torn from this life at 18. Never to see 19. Two young men called home long before our hearts are ready to let go. I think on this. He and Elijah now know each other. Each known by the Savior. Each missed so deeply. When here on this earth our paths may have never crossed. This mom grieves as I do. Brought together by mutual friends; knowing our struggle. Now friends through a shared bond of grief and love for Jesus. Each of us ... View Post
Fear. . .Slowly Strangles Trust
There are days I just want to make it all go away. I just want off this life I am living. The path is hard and unforgiving. The weight crushing at times. I long to shake this skin. I long to not ache. I should be rejoicing. We are done with chemo. We are done with radiation. I should be jumping for joy. But I can't. We still travel to the hospital. My farmer's weight is dangerously low. Food a necessity. Eating to live. His body racks with cough from excess mucus from the radiation. His sleep disturbed each night. I reach out and ... View Post
A 6 month Walk No One Wants To Take
I stand still in the kitchen. I have cried out to God most of the day. I am tired of cancer. I am tired of missing my son. My soul is unsettled and I long for peace. So I stand. In the kitchen that I hardly use any more. Meals continue to come. I have little to offer. My soul weary from the battle. So I stand. It is quiet. I breathe deep. I sense the presence of God. The peace that passes all understanding surrounds me. For a moment the cancer is gone, the sting of death is appeased. I stand for a moment ... View Post
The Question I Don’t Want To Answer
I know the question is coming. It always does. It is how we converse. But it is the question I don't know how to answer. One I don't want to answer. I meet a new friend. Our daughters standing next to each other in the concert. While we sit next to each other. Since we have been homeschooling, there are a fair amount of students and families we do not know anymore. How many children do you have? I pause. I don't know how to answer this question. Sometimes I just say 6; the oldest is married and we just had a grand baby. And the conversation moves on; because babies are cute and ... View Post
Mopping Away The Grit And The Grime
I finger the pages. The pages of the yearbook he'll never see. The 2013 yearbook that holds the memory of the last of his walk on this earth. Graduation and the hope of a future. I waited to look at it. I couldn't bring myself to walk into the pain; the endless sea of grief. But I look and I laugh and I remember. He was so loved. Such a humble young man; so missed. I hear stories from those around us of interactions with Elijah and my heart soars. Isn't that what every mama wants to hear? Stories of your boy and the beauty he left behind. He wasn't perfect. ... View Post
