It's still there. I breathe in deep. Just a hint of his smell. I hold his pillow. I lay my cheek on the softness. I rock back and forth. I linger in the memories. It's the missing that can consume. A desire around the pain. Any way but through. The wanting to hear his voice; call me mom. We sit at the dinner table. We light his candle. We just miss him so much. And at some point you have to just stop the missing. Because He's not coming back. All the uncomfortable shouts at us. Cedric balks at going to summer ... View Post
The Partner That Brings Grace To Your Movements
Sometimes I just want off this road. I've said it before. To me it seems hard. At each door there is pain and heart ache. It's another journey to process and move through. There is a dance while moving through pain. The movements can be stiff and awkward. Or they can be smooth and graceful. When you walk hand in hand with a partner skilled in guiding the way; the movements become fluid. I want things to be fluid. I long for movements that are graceful. What is it that creates the graceful out of the chaos? Who called order into the cosmic ... View Post
2 Mom’s Living On Solid Hope
There is another who grieves. Another mom who celebrates her son's birthday today; while he resides with the King of Kings. Her son torn from this life at 18. Never to see 19. Two young men called home long before our hearts are ready to let go. I think on this. He and Elijah now know each other. Each known by the Savior. Each missed so deeply. When here on this earth our paths may have never crossed. This mom grieves as I do. Brought together by mutual friends; knowing our struggle. Now friends through a shared bond of grief and love for Jesus. Each of us ... View Post
Those Ancient Words. . . Aren’t Really So Ancient
We sit huddled at the farmhouse table. Each morning before we head off for the day those large farmer hands take the Ancient Words and breathe life into this family. It is not always holy. It is sometimes horror. With me dissolving into laughter over someones antics and receiving a glaring look from the farmer or the eldest son, now deep in the earth. But this morning we are huddled together because those carefree days seem like an eternity away. The eldest son called home. The farmer battling the wages of cancer. And we as a family ... View Post
How The Doors To This Farm House Were Flung Open Wide And Grace Walked In
The doors to this farmhouse were flung open wide yesterday. I hadn't done any planning or baking, or even sent invitations. I had gone to the grave. My Aunt had purchased wreaths from the girls. The shipping to Florida was more than the wreath. So she wanted me give them to someone that might be in need of cheering up this Season. I had decided early on to put one of the wreaths at Elijah's grave. I leaned into the pain. I breathed in deep the fresh air and wrote in the snow; Miss You. Because with every fiber of my being, I do. I head back home. I ... View Post
Pushing Through The Gloom. . . Day #20 of Thankfulness
The gloomy feeling wouldn't leave. No matter how I tried. It had set up residence in my heart. Even though the scans are clear, even though we're dealing with a localized cancer; I couldn't shake the gloom.I praised God for the things I had, I read the Word. I spent some quiet time with God. But to no avail. The darkness was here to stay. In moments like this, it takes all one has to push through. To plod one foot in front of the other. The ache in my heart for that which I can not have, radiation, chemo, trips to Burlington, mounting chores, bills; the list goes on and on. The ... View Post
