It's raining. Again. We really could use a little precipitation. The grass will green up quickly. We are running short on feed. With the new calculations it looks like we have 10 days of feed left. 10 days left of the harvest that held our son. His hand in the work. The final pieces of summers bounty, ending. Another piece to the puzzle. Another added expense. I watch my farmer husband as he shares the news. We need feed. He doesn't react. Years of volatility in this business have hardened him to ... View Post
It Is Work To Find Rest
I wake indifferent. There is danger in apathy. I wage a war continually. If I don't feel then I can't hurt. If I close my eyes tightly against all the pain and struggle I will survive. That is hardly living. There is relief. There is an anecdote. There is a place where peace reigns. Where our feet are firmly planted. To remain in that place is work. There is work in grieving. There is work in surrendering a life to the One who longs to hold you. This work can leave you exhausted and spent. But we will work. We will work to ... View Post
When You’re Prayers Aren’t Answered. . .And Life Has Taken A Sharp Turn
The intent was for summers warmth to dissipate winters cruel blow. For the prayers on the bales to be seen when the sun has hidden itself for days on end. When the dark of the day is the longest and encouragement in short supply. I prayed over everyone of those bales. Every single one. I wrote my prayers out. I prayed for relief from the financial strain and plentiful nutrients in those bales. I prayed for protection for my family. For strength in the journey. But my prayers weren't answered. Sometimes they aren't. As a matter of fact my prayers were ... View Post
Even Before The Day Dawns. . . Much Work Has Been Done
Even before the day dawns much has been done. The farmer rises at 3 even through chemo and radiation. The cows need to be brought in, milking machines set up and milking started. Most of this happens while the rest of the world slumbers. Including me. It is not until 5 that I crawl out of bed. These cold mornings it is more of a leap. I grab coffee and the Word to begin my day. Always coffee. Always God's word. 15 years ago, when I was in the thick of working and book work for the farm; an 11 year old step daughter, 2 children and one on the way, I prayed. I asked God to help me find ... View Post
We Press On, In Jesus Name
It's the moment just before I wake. Just before my eyes open that it all weighs down. The magnitude of loss, the reality of cancer, finances hanging in the balance. It is in those same moments that the battle for the day wages. My whole being wants to burrow down in; refuse to go on. How can I? When all I have known is changed. All that I was created to be has been ripped from me. The day to day has changed for ever and the future for one, decided. A mommy shouldn't have to bury their child. It is ... View Post
Sometimes I Just Can’t Pray
Sometimes I can't pray. There are no words. I try. The enormity of all that has happened and is happening stifles almost all my being; and prayer can not happen. I know others are praying. I can feel it; There is a sweet peace that permeates. Being still before God is hard to do when your son lies deep beneath the sod of this earth. When you wait for toxic cocktails and radiation to work their miracle on your husband. Grief transcends words and emotions. And I sit to pray and I can't. I walk to pray, and I can't. Words don't come. Usually the ... View Post
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