The light permeates the dark. The glow magical. The stockings are hung. The tree decorated. Lists are made. We've gathered with friends and caught up on life. The Christmas Carols play in the back round. Christmas Cards line the walls. The Advent Candles are lit and the preparations for the Birth of our Savior are well under way. Yet, here I sit. My heart aching. I can't deny it. I can't run from it. The ache and pain of loss is real. There's no escaping the absence and emptiness felt. The loss of a child represents loss of future. We spend the rest of our lives adjusting ... View Post
They’re Both Gone
Both of my boys are gone. Both left the same way. The clothes on their backs, their wallets and a hug for their mama. So much the same. Yet different. That oldest farm boy, a Poole in the delayed entry program for the Marines, never came back. He hugged me good bye. His gaze lingered with mine, and out the door he went. He never came home. His bed empty. Clothes on the floor just as he left them. Gone. Forever. Leaving me with an ache that still cuts like a knife. Now the second born farm boy. He leaves too. Clothes on the floor, just as he left them. The feeling so ... View Post
30 Days of Thankfulness, What is Amazing Grace, Day #27
I stand in that country church. The strains of the hymn surround me. "Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound" The song sung at our sons funeral. I can't sing. I close my eyes and let the music hold my soul. I lean into the ache. I lean into the strength that is beyond me. Amazing Grace. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We woke in the early hours to find a mess at the barn. Ok, there was already a mess with barns torn down. This was an unexpected, never happened before mess. Grain. Everywhere. The auger must have stuck open and dumped 10 tons of grain on the ... View Post
30 Days of Thankfulness, List by List, Day #22
I've got my list. Hopefully I will not lose these. One for shopping, one for to do's. I make one for the timing of everything. Preparations for Thanksgiving. It is really the only time I can honestly say I am organized. My mom was such a planner. Really. Such a gift. She planned class reunions and fundraisers. She was PTA president for years. If there was a Board or Committee- she was on it. She had her bags for each Committee. A list for each. She thrived on these activities. Details were her thing. Her house was immaculate. She never, that I know of, ran around looking ... View Post
30 Days of Thankfulness, This Is Beyond Me, Day #20
This construction stuff is beyond me. I'm so thankful for those who do "get it". I remember Trig class in High School. I think the teachers name was Ms. Hume. I remember asking her, specifically, what would I use parabola's for? She said, "Building the Golden Gate Bridge and all those other wonders of the world." To myself I thought. . . . I want to be a mom. Why am I taking this class? I am Thankful I took that class. I am Thankful for learning things beyond my sphere of understanding. Yet, it is beyond me. I feel that way now, drinking steaming cups of coffee around the farmhouse ... View Post
30 Days of Thankfulness, Finding Rest in the Chaos, Day #15
When you look around it's chaos. Barn roofing, piles (neat piles); but piles. There's equipment and open spaces where a barn used to be. Headlocks lay as they fell. Beams cut off. I walk through the area. I pray. We want to be faithful. This is not our space. Not our land. Nothing is ours. It belongs to the LORD. Long ago my farmer and I knelt together and surrendered this place to Him. The one who counts the stars. The one who Promises to never leave us nor forsake us. Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the ... View Post
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