I gaze at the pictures on the wall. I sometimes wonder if I should take them down. Everywhere I look there are signs of Elijah. And there should be. He was still living. He had no intention of meeting Jesus on July 28. He was expecting to go to a shooting match and then live the rest of his life. He was going to boot camp and we would celebrate his birthday. I was going to write letters to him and fly to South Carolina for his graduation from Boot Camp. But he never made it home. His bed remained empty. And now my heart is ... View Post
Just Because
It's still there. I breathe in deep. Just a hint of his smell. I hold his pillow. I lay my cheek on the softness. I rock back and forth. I linger in the memories. It's the missing that can consume. A desire around the pain. Any way but through. The wanting to hear his voice; call me mom. We sit at the dinner table. We light his candle. We just miss him so much. And at some point you have to just stop the missing. Because He's not coming back. All the uncomfortable shouts at us. Cedric balks at going to summer ... View Post
Does Being Quiet Leave You Undone?
Today is the beginning of Lent. A practice many in the Christian church do not observe. A practice centuries old; representing Jesus' time in the quiet; in the wilderness. It was during this time he was tempted by Satan; Matthew 4:3-4 The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread."Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" It was during this time that he fasted for 40 days. He withdrew from all the chaos and hustle in ... View Post
We Don’t Like To Be Uncomfortable. . . But Sometimes Uncomfortable Is Where We Need To Be
They sit in the corner and gather dust. Memories on hold. The beat stuck for all time. I don't know what to do with them. Mostly I stand and stare. While another piece of my heart breaks away. I remember. I try to hear the sounds and feel the rhythms to no avail. They are silenced. It's a new rhythm now. Set in a key and time change I am not comfortable with. There are too many accidentals and I stumble over the melody line. The timbre harsh and abrasive. Some new friends come to visit. Members of the club no one asks for. Further along the ... View Post
When Yesterday Is 7 Months Gone
Dear Elijah, It's been more than half a year since your feet have walked this earth; since time stood still and my heart broke in two. I can't believe that much time has passed. It feels like yesterday. 7 months of not my will, but thine. 7 months of learning to live a path I didn't ask for; death, cancer, treatments, grace. We all miss you a ton. Each day dawns with thoughts of you and remembering you're not with us. We all feel so incomplete without you here. It's hard to figure out how to do this walk. I miss your smile and the sound of your voice. I miss being your mom. I miss ... View Post
Are You Able To Run The Race With Perseverance?
Miss you so much. Don't know if I can handle next year without you. #brother This was Clarissa's face book post on June 20, 2013. It's the picture of them on the first day of school; his Senior year. Elijah had gone on a trip the day after graduation. We all missed him. Boot camp was coming and we knew we weren't prepared. He rarely left home. His presence always here. He wasn't one for sleepovers; preferring his bed to others. Little did we know. Clarissa and Thomas have devotions for Youth Group. The topic; Perseverance. With the Olympics permeating much of our ... View Post
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