Even if. . . Those words. It's how she strings them together with other words that pierces my heart. Even if, the answer isn't what I long for. Even if. . . I know the even if. . . Even if my son is killed in the middle of the night on a lonely, dark road. . . Even if my farmer gets cancer. . . Even if our barns blow down. . . Even if. . . God is still good. Do you know the Even if. . . too? Does your heart long for that which it may never have? Are there the cries of your heart that remain unanswered. Even if. . . can you still praise him? Even if. . . can you still ... View Post
Snow, Day #28 of Thankfulness
The branches are heavy laden. Snow fell most of the day. After school activities were cancelled. It was a virtual Winter Wonderland. With snow comes an added burden of work. Paths and driveways need to be plowed and shoveled. The weight of the snow can be treacherous to this old farm house. 3 times the house shook as the snow fell off the peaks onto the porch roof. The final blow cracking a main supporting beam that was already compromised. My farmer spent the rest of the afternoon shoveling snow off the roof and placing braces. He was late getting in again. . . Sometimes I ... View Post
Papa Projects, Day #25 of Thankfulness
Papa projects. They're the best kind. She comes to him needing batteries. The youngest farmette. The Christmas bears won't sing. With good reason. I've had them for over 20 years. They're singing careers over. Not that I've minded. The 12 Days of Christmas on repeat certainly tried my patience. Each child sat with those bears and held them and played with them. Now the youngest farmette has discovered them and wants Papa to make them work. He finds new batteries and. . . nothing. They still wouldn't work. Much to my relief, I walk away thinking the bears will go back to the ... View Post
Expect the Unexpected.
Expect the Unexpected. That moment when air seems to be lacking. Breathing is a chore. Hot, molten tears press hard. Chaos great. Those moments. The unexpected. I try to reach out. I cry out to God. How did we get here? How? I try to focus on a breath. My chest heavy with grief, too much going on. I don't know how to sort it all out. Sometimes there seems to be no right answer. My heart is weighed down with the things of this earth. We can let life just pile on the pressure if we're not careful. The unexpected. Deadlines, kids, marriage, bills, haying, chores, heat; ... View Post
It’s A Different Kind of Christmas
This will be the fifth Christmas without our oldest farm boy. It hardly seems possible. Our next farm boy won't be here either. It's a different kind of Christmas. I often wonder how he's doing. How Marine Boot Camp is treating him? What is he feeling and thinking? I wonder this too about our blue eyed, red head who resides in Heaven now. The missing is hard. That Farm Boy loves Christmas. He often will decorate his room in July and play Christmas music as loud as he can. Even before he left, he cleaned his room and strung Christmas lights. It will be a different kind of ... View Post
30 Days of Thankfulness, He’s Leaving too, Day #29
I watch him as he drives. He leaves in 5 days. He is heading where his brother was supposed to go. I breathe in deeply. I can't stop the tears from coming; even if I tried. Sometimes I'm so tired of trying not to cry. It takes so much energy to breathe slowly, open my eyes wide and keep the tears from flowing. You see our second born son enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. He leaves for Parris Island on Sunday morning. I struggle to make sense of this. One son is gone. He resides in heaven. His recruiting officer said, "He had a higher calling. " Even now I feel the pit ... View Post
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