I've been procrastinating for three years. A task I do not want to do. A task no one ever wants to do. A task that one shouldn't have to do. I have avoided Elijah's room. Pretend it doesn't exist. Closed the door to make it go away. His smell is still there. It's heady. It makes me weak in my knees. Sick to my stomach. His motorcycle helmet. The socks he changed out of. Still there. The sheets he had on his bed. But it's time. God said so. He sent one of Elijah's friends to ask if we had an extra room for him. Since our guest room will be filled; the only room is ... View Post
The Assurance of Knowing
Often we are stretched. Beyond what we feel we can handle. We breathe deep. We long for relief. Yet, these circumstances are here to help us grow. To change us. It's been 35 months of being stretched. There are many more months to go. The missing deep. The walk each day a choice. I am only responsible for the here and now. To live this moment in surrender. I will let the rest of the moments be dealt with in time. In the pew, on Sunday, the children sat between my farmer and I . 4 of ... View Post
Saying, “Yes”, When You Want to Scream, “No”
Elijah. They say his name. Cleaning out a closet they find something that was his. Elijah. I just want to hear his name called. I miss saying it. You see when your son is taken. Things change. So when they mention his name. My heart skips a beat. 17 years of memories. His future just beginning. Hope. I long for that which I can not have. We're going to the drive in. A place I have avoided. A place I have tried to find excuses not to go. So far. It's ... View Post
Turning Father’s Day Right Side Up
Rising early each morning, my farmer heads to the barn. Never complaining. Morning his favorite time. He's never upset to milk alone. He takes his time. Enjoying the quiet. Our children have appreciated this time as well. Moments spent with their father beneath a sea of stars. The chill of the early morning; stimulating. Walking with purpose. Cows to bring to the barn. Wildlife. Unfamiliar sounds. All part of the memory. Our journey to Organic Certification complete. It has been quite an ... View Post
Forced Seclusion Begins a Much Needed De-Cluttering
I'm forced to seclusion. My allergies overpowering. My air conditioned bedroom; my reprieve. Haying, lawn mowing, beautiful blossoms; all causing me discomfort. So, I head to my bedroom. On a gloriously sunny day. I am forced to look at the clutter. The piles of clothes. The boxes of paper. Most of it needing to go. I begin the process. Cards sent when our world shattered. When our first born son was called to glory at 17. When cancer threatened to take a good man down. When the joy thief knocked ... View Post
When You Become the Same Age as Your Brother
He's turning 17. That farm boy. The same age as his brother. No longer here. The two so similar. Yet so different. My heart aches. The farm boy is full of ideas. So creative. Full of energy and youth. He loves deeply. Plays hard. Confident. Yet is haunted by the joy thief. He rises to fight. He digs deep to keep two feet planted. He's growing corn; trading vehicles. Making payments on a tractor. Building his future. Yet these things he holds lightly in view of ... View Post
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