Elijah. I just want to say his name. I want to holler through the house; it's time for dinner, or get down here and pick up your things. I want to say his name and hear his voice. I want to buy him a Christmas present and fill his stocking. My soul wishes for this not to be. The deep searing pain resurfacing. The loss permeating all that I do. Oh, how I miss him. Oh, how everything in me resonates that this is wrong. How can the God of the universe, that called all into being, have this be my path? It has been a year since mom died. A ... View Post
How Worry Is NOT My Constant Companion
Today we head to the hospital. The questions we have had; answered. The preparation for chemo and radiation will begin. I do not know what this journey will hold. My spirit is weary with grieving. Yet in my weariness, as I pass the pole, I see someone has placed a cross. I am later told it was Alaria, Elijah's girlfriends sister. My weariness is from the unknown. But worry has not been my companion. Great sorrow, deep agony; Yes, they follow me. But worry has fled in the face of peace. Because peace has also been my faithful and constant ... View Post
The Healing Power of An Upside Down Snowman
It is the afternoon and I am restless. I get this way sometimes. The enormity of the loss overpowering. I just don't want to think. I pray and remember the promises; God will never leave us nor forsake us. But the afternoon threatens to engulf. So I head to the barn to see (Ahem, supervise) those boys. They have so much finished in one day. Probably because they don't stop. I asked if they were coming in for lunch and they were all like, as my son says, "I ain't got time for that." So, I send food up to them. And then I head to check on them. The ... View Post
A Promise That Will Never Be Broken
She meets me at the door, as I enter church. I haven't seen her in so long. She hugs me tight and we cry. She so young, with babies growing. Together we share the silent pain of miscarriages, me but one. . .she many. But this new pain; I carve a new path. What do you say? How can you express in words the fear every parent lives with; the one no one wants to endure. She hugs me tight as we cry. The service is beautiful. The first Sunday in Advent, the reminder of the Promise. A service of dedication; a young mom and dad dedicating their 2 boys before the ... View Post
Advent: A Season of Waiting and Preparation
When you're in the middle of Advent and you're waiting; longing for Christs return. Longing for anything other than this path. Sometimes the pain is so searing it leaves me dizzy. The magnitude of the loss overpowering. Gary plays a message on his phone and it rips my heart right open wide. His voice. Oh, how I miss it. I knew his voice. I recognized it. I knew his step on the stair. These things a mama knows. And when those things are taken away - ripped right away from this life, it leaves you reeling and teetering for something to grasp. Because the hurt and pain of this world cuts like a ... View Post
The Future That Really Matters. . .Day #30 of Thankfulness
I walk out of the bedroom to start my coffee. There are sleeping bags all over the living room. I pick up the pot and plug it in the bathroom so not to disturb anyone. I have a blondie in my bed who had a headache in the middle of the night. I start the laundry and fold a load while I wait for the coffee. My phone is plugged in, in the middle of the sea of sleeping bags. I don't dare disturb them. I wander to the parlor, I open the door and there is another sea of sleeping bags. I head back to my room. I hope the blondie stays sleeping. There are sleeping bags in 2 of the rooms ... View Post
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