A new year has begun.
Unmarred.
Fresh.
New.
These past few years have been hard.
The passing of the old, a reminder of time.
Time moving forward without those we have loved so dearly.
Learning how to live; differently.
Breathing.
In and out.
One foot in front of the other.
Searching for hope.
Choosing joy.
Standing on solid ground.
I will admit it has been a hard year.
Folks have moved on.
Their lives not impacted much by the loss.
Our loss.
Another grief walk, as we said Good Bye to my dad.
All while life is ebbing forward.
I find it hard to commit.
Staying on task has become brutally difficult.
I seek quiet and solace more than I ever have in my life.
I search that Ancient Word for truth.
I long for my old life.
A house full of kids.
The routine.
So many changes at once.
2012
Our oldest daughter walked down the aisle on this beautiful farm into the arms of her husband.
The loss of my dad’s sister, my mom and my parents best friend all with in 3 weeks.
Our son enlisting in the United States Marine Corps.
2013
His graduation from High School.
The sudden death of our puppy.
Unexpected Visitors with news our beloved red head had taken his last ride.
Cancer diagnosis for my dear farmer.
2014
The birth of our first grandchild.
Life decisions for my dad as the memory thief advanced.
Financial struggles and business decisions.
2015
Business decision to go Organic.
Another child graduates High School and prepares to leave the nest.
The loss of 2 dear friends.
Dropping the college girl off at school.
Learning to live without her here.
Yet she is still here.
The tragic death of our so loved nephew.
2016
Cancer diagnosis for my farmer’s sister, who had just lost her son.
The birth of our second grandchild.
The death of my beloved dad.
The preparation to sell my parents home that they built with their hands and their love.
A walk of choosing joy.
Choosing gratitude.
I realize I have been so focused on avoiding pain.
Anything to smooth things over.
Stay home.
Create quiet.
Do you find yourself on this path?
Isolating; so the pain won’t tear you apart?
Am I missing something by living this way?
Do I give God enough power in my walk so He can do his work?
Sometimes.
Lately; no.
I feel bruised and weary.
Yet there is a hope.
Far greater than all my fears and aches.
It is a hope that rises with the surrender.
The risk you take when you allow the hurt and pain to be held.
I will not ever like this path that has been chosen for me.
Living with out my son is the hardest thing I will ever do.
Watching my mom die a horrible death will never leave me.
But all of it.
Each piece has been filtered through the loving hands of One who can see beyond the ache and fear.
He takes this walk and turns that which I can’t see into something beautiful.
He promises us that He will never leave us nor forsake us.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I can attest to that.
Even in the hardest moments.
When the grief is raw and the ache searing.
I know I am held.
Looking forward to 2017 is overwhelming.
I know it will be filled with more sadness.
It is inevitable.
I can choose to “see” what God is doing.
Isaiah 43:19
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I can open my eyes wide to the wonder and majesty of who God is.
I can let him take the broken pieces of my heart and weave them together into the tapestry he will create.
So, as I say Good Bye to 2016 and my loving dad and those that previous years held, I long to “see” with eyes beyond my own abilities.
Won’t you join me in “seeing” what lies ahead.
Trusting in the One who will hold us through it all?
