The email pops up. It's your birthday take $25 off your order. My mind racks. Whose birthday? I look. He rarely used his e-mail for anything. He used mine. My stomach lurches. The reminders painful. I try to remember to breathe. I can't hold my breath each time; each time there is a reminder. Death is permanent. What's on the other side is eternal. But here, this side of eternity; it's permanent. And it will tear you apart. The missing reaches into places you never knew existed. It can twist and turn until ... View Post
This Is Not All There Is
It's less than 10 days- he would have had here on this earth. We had no idea. These days were his last. Each moment priceless. I step forward each day . Missing. Yet needing to press on. Washing, cleaning, cooking. Bills, groceries; life. Life that is holy. Purposeful. I check in with the kids and ask how they are. The sweet girl, more woman than girl, says she's fine. I push her. She looks at me and says, really, I am fine. He's better off. It's where I want to be. She's lost so ... View Post
How Does One Let Go, When You Want To Hold On Tight?
How to walk this road; nobody knows. Learning to let go when you want to hold on tight. The future torn from you. Death. The silent thief. Knows no boundaries. Respects no heart. We, a people, not meant for death. Created for life. Abundantly. The searing pain rips through. Again, and again. A walk past the room. A graduation cap and gown. The sound of a siren. Again, and again, the pounding pain. He is no longer here. He is no longer here. There are no coming homes. I do not cook his favorite meal. I write no letters and receive ... View Post
Finding Joy And Grace For This Very Moment
Before I even open my eyes, I feel it. I have a headache and the missing is there. Some days it is not so apparent. But today it will be my constant companion. The deep longing. I want to wriggle out of this skin. I want all that has been lost to be restored. But it can't. The weight of the loss and what the future will hold threatens to pull me down. The hot burning has returned. I make coffee and look at the piles of laundry and book work still needing attention. The floors that need to be mopped, the ... View Post
Advent: A Season of Waiting and Preparation
When you're in the middle of Advent and you're waiting; longing for Christs return. Longing for anything other than this path. Sometimes the pain is so searing it leaves me dizzy. The magnitude of the loss overpowering. Gary plays a message on his phone and it rips my heart right open wide. His voice. Oh, how I miss it. I knew his voice. I recognized it. I knew his step on the stair. These things a mama knows. And when those things are taken away - ripped right away from this life, it leaves you reeling and teetering for something to grasp. Because the hurt and pain of this world cuts like a ... View Post
