I stand still in the kitchen. I have cried out to God most of the day. I am tired of cancer. I am tired of missing my son. My soul is unsettled and I long for peace. So I stand. In the kitchen that I hardly use any more. Meals continue to come. I have little to offer. My soul weary from the battle. So I stand. It is quiet. I breathe deep. I sense the presence of God. The peace that passes all understanding surrounds me. For a moment the cancer is gone, the sting of death is appeased. I stand for a moment ... View Post
I Don’t Have A Typical To Do List
This day. It is new. There is laundry and dirt. There is an abundance of clutter, paper work and dishes. There is financial stress, farming chores and broken equipment. There is still cancer and the searing pain of the loss of a child. Today marks 3 years for another family and the loss of their son. A Classmate of Elijah's. A name read at Graduation. The emotion so overwhelming we clapped and cried, remembering. For a long time. A life cut short by his own hand. I remember the feeling. . . how can you lose a child? How ... View Post
We Press On, In Jesus Name
It's the moment just before I wake. Just before my eyes open that it all weighs down. The magnitude of loss, the reality of cancer, finances hanging in the balance. It is in those same moments that the battle for the day wages. My whole being wants to burrow down in; refuse to go on. How can I? When all I have known is changed. All that I was created to be has been ripped from me. The day to day has changed for ever and the future for one, decided. A mommy shouldn't have to bury their child. It is ... View Post
Finding Joy And Grace For This Very Moment
Before I even open my eyes, I feel it. I have a headache and the missing is there. Some days it is not so apparent. But today it will be my constant companion. The deep longing. I want to wriggle out of this skin. I want all that has been lost to be restored. But it can't. The weight of the loss and what the future will hold threatens to pull me down. The hot burning has returned. I make coffee and look at the piles of laundry and book work still needing attention. The floors that need to be mopped, the ... View Post
A Promise That Will Never Be Broken
She meets me at the door, as I enter church. I haven't seen her in so long. She hugs me tight and we cry. She so young, with babies growing. Together we share the silent pain of miscarriages, me but one. . .she many. But this new pain; I carve a new path. What do you say? How can you express in words the fear every parent lives with; the one no one wants to endure. She hugs me tight as we cry. The service is beautiful. The first Sunday in Advent, the reminder of the Promise. A service of dedication; a young mom and dad dedicating their 2 boys before the ... View Post
Finding Contentment on Black Friday. . .Day #29 of Thankfulness
Philippians 4:12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. The farmhouse was filled to the brim with babies, toddlers, teens; friends, family, love and lots of food. The generations growing as the next have children. And what contentment that brings. Even in the midst of deep grief, the next generation brings hope. I didn't think the day would be hard. The agony comes unexpected; when you're not prepared. When ... View Post