I am alone. The house quiet. It is not a sound I am familiar with; or like. I wish I could take all those crazy moments when 2 diapers needed changing, lesson plans needed writing, dinner was cooking, and all 6 children were living. . . and bottle them. Then pull them out now. When I feel defeated. I was created to be a mom. And I have loved the journey. I haven't done it well. My children never had a nursery. I never had the latest stroller or baby gear. I never read a parenting book until Chelsea ... View Post
Swaying With The Changes
The kids will head to camp today. I can't get the teenagers up to help get chores finished. But today they are up shortly after me. Excitement. Camp. Memories. Time with fellow believers. Growing closer to God. Being refreshed and renewed. Reminders of hope; of life everlasting. I will make the drive to New York without my farmer. Life goes that way some times. There was a breakdown yesterday. So plans, for today, are changed. I don't do so well with change anymore. I can feel myself being ... View Post
I Am Found
Each day I read last years post. Counting down the days of his life. Searching for meaning. Something I have missed. Like an addict looking for a hit. I want to see something. I long for just a glimpse. It consumes me; if I let it. How I want to touch or feel something connected to him. These final days of his life. He would live for 19 more days. That is it. I didn't know. My son. Full of hope; a future. We were mourning the loss of our puppy. Still grieving my mom, my parents dog, my dad's ... View Post
My Useless Day
I have been useless. Sick in bed. This does not usually happen. We are mom's, we continue on, no matter how hard. There was no way. I was too weak and shaky to get out of bed. I was consumed with guilt. We have guests. This is my gift. This is what I love. But between the heat, 8 kids, including a 2 year old. I don't have it anymore. Nope. That boundless energy is gone. The desire. Once I could go and go. Making feasts and homemade goodies. Now. It is one step at a time. Now the sweet ... View Post
Stepping Right Out Of Fear
The rains come. The earth eager for nourishment. The sound triggers memories. All senses alert. These are the pre-death days. Each moment so vivid. Such technicolor. Each night I fight against the jagged thoughts. The waking from sleep. The flashlights playing on my window. The knocking on the door. The deep dark. Knowing something is not right. The air conditioner. Off. No lights. It all threatens to tear at me. Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be ... View Post
Even In the Storm. . . There Is A Promise
The rain falls. Heavy at times. Keeping rhythm on the tin roof. Drip. Drip. Drip. The beat of a drum. Constant and steady. A sound I miss dreadfully. The missing heavy. Deep within; the longing. I shut my eyes to listen. To the sounds. Grief sneaks up silently. Catches you unaware. It is all around. It is rent a Senior Day. How can it be a year? It seems like yesterday. So funny. So missed. There is no way around this pain. It hurts. It stinks. No matter how I try to shake off the pain. We step forward. Trusting, ... View Post
