I finger the berries. Frozen berries with the words, picked July 30, written on the bag. The day of Elijah's wake. I remember the man walking in and bringing them. A stranger. Drawn in. Knowing the tragedy. Wanting to help. He looked around. He saw what was left of a red headed, well loved boy; his life laid out in piles in the parlor of those who have gone before him. Memories, pictures, graduation hat and gown. A life interrupted suddenly He handed me the berries. He left. I finger those berries and I make a smoothie ... View Post
We Press On, In Jesus Name
It's the moment just before I wake. Just before my eyes open that it all weighs down. The magnitude of loss, the reality of cancer, finances hanging in the balance. It is in those same moments that the battle for the day wages. My whole being wants to burrow down in; refuse to go on. How can I? When all I have known is changed. All that I was created to be has been ripped from me. The day to day has changed for ever and the future for one, decided. A mommy shouldn't have to bury their child. It is ... View Post
What Really Matters Anyway?
January 11, 2021 I wrote this 7 years ago. I have reposted this today. The grief still stays. It changes. The longing to see my son is still so raw. Yet, my treasure still rests in heaven. I hope you're encouraged by these words. I pray that no matter what your days holds, that you know, "What Really Matters, Anyway?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- January 11, 2014 You didn't' store up treasure here on this earth. You weren't here long enough. The things of this ... View Post
There Are Some Things That Need To Be Left Undone
I still have a few of them. Most, I have given away. I found them that morning. The morning he never came home. The morning the police met me at the door to tell me my son had been killed. That he was gone. There they were on the breakfast bar. I had hounded him day after day to write them. He would sit and write one or two while I cooked dinner or cleaned the kitchen. We would talk. It was nice. Little did I know those moments would become so precious, so dear. He didn't address them or put them in envelopes. He just wrote them and left them in ... View Post
Finding Joy And Grace For This Very Moment
Before I even open my eyes, I feel it. I have a headache and the missing is there. Some days it is not so apparent. But today it will be my constant companion. The deep longing. I want to wriggle out of this skin. I want all that has been lost to be restored. But it can't. The weight of the loss and what the future will hold threatens to pull me down. The hot burning has returned. I make coffee and look at the piles of laundry and book work still needing attention. The floors that need to be mopped, the ... View Post
Sometimes I Just Can’t Pray
Sometimes I can't pray. There are no words. I try. The enormity of all that has happened and is happening stifles almost all my being; and prayer can not happen. I know others are praying. I can feel it; There is a sweet peace that permeates. Being still before God is hard to do when your son lies deep beneath the sod of this earth. When you wait for toxic cocktails and radiation to work their miracle on your husband. Grief transcends words and emotions. And I sit to pray and I can't. I walk to pray, and I can't. Words don't come. Usually the ... View Post
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